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Sometimes one awful moment can, at the time, seem to define life. You lose sight of everything except the disaster that’s in front of you. You think, I can’t believe this is happening. Whether you rail against it or disappear into yourself, the situation seems to be all there is. And in those moments, you are not exactly at your best. You might say or do things that you wish you hadn’t; or not say or do things that you wish you had. Despite feeling like the situation—including your reaction—took on a life of its own, you can learn to respond differently.
When your feelings knock you over and threaten to drown you, it’s essential that you get your head above “water” so that you can breathe and then find a way out. The best way to do this is ridiculously simple: Pay attention to your breath. For a few breaths, attend to your inhale and your exhale. That’s it.
One reason this is so helpful is that many people respond to such situations with shallow breathing and may even stop breathing (temporarily, of course). By bringing your awareness to your breath, you implicitly remind yourself to breathe fully. In doing this, you are returning much needed oxygen to your brain and the rest of your body.
Paying attention to your breath also redirects your attention to your body. So, you will feel more connected with, and grounded in, your body. By bringing your attention to this, your emotions become less central in your experience. They will have less power to knock you off balance. You are, in a sense, stepping out of your swirling emotions.
Now that you are more centered in yourself and less caught up in your emotions, you can have a better perspective of the situation. Rather than just reflexively reacting, you can think about how you want to respond. You have the space to consider what is the most constructive response. For instance, your response might be a direct statement about how you feel about what someone is doing; or it might be a decision to hold off on reacting until you’ve had more time to calm down and think about the situation.
As I said earlier, paying attention to your breath is a simple process. However, it is not easy. It takes practice. Also, it requires patience with yourself even after you’ve developed some skill in doing it. We are, after all, only human. There will always be times when you are unhappy with the way you’ve reacted. And in those times, it can be very helpful to pay attention to your breath.
Leslie Becker-Phelps, Ph.D. is a clinical psychologist in private practice and is on the medical staff at Robert Wood Johnson, Somerset in Somerville, NJ. She is also a regular contributor for the WebMD blog Relationships and is the relationship expert on WebMD’s Relationships and Coping Community.
Dr. Becker-Phelps is also the author of Insecure in Love.
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Making Change blog posts are for general educational purposes only. They may or may not be relevant for your particular situation; and they should not be relied upon as a substitute for professional assistance.
Personal change through compassionate self-awareness
