Softening Hardened Relationship Patterns

Happy Couple

The longer couples are together, the more their communication flows without conscious effort. When things are going well, this effortless way of relating feels harmonious. However, when dissatisfaction begins to creep into the relationship, the strength of such established patterns can be a serious problem. Even if you and your partner want to respond differently to each other, you may find that these patterns stubbornly resist your best intentions to change them. But you can change them.

While it’s a good idea to work with your partner to soften hardened patterns, you can help that process by first developing compassionate self-awareness. You can do this by taking the following steps:

Observation: All conscious efforts to change must begin with observation. Note what thoughts, feelings, and actions bring you unhappiness. At this point, you don’t need to change a thing – simply observe.

For instance, you might notice that you become very upset and pout whenever your partner sits down to watch TV. You might also note that you feel this way despite many efforts to distract yourself and to think logically about how there is nothing wrong with him watching a little TV. Or, you might simmer in frustration as you think about how you’ve tried repeatedly and unsuccessfully to talk with him about needing to attend more to your relationship.

Labeling: As you make your observations, label your experiences. Name your feelings – such as sad, angry, hurt, or jealous. It’s important that you be specific. You might note that you feel not just upset, but furious, whenever your partner watches sports on the weekends.

Also, name your patterns of thinking – such as self-critical, pessimistic, or suspicious. You might realize that you think your partner doesn’t value or love you.

As you label your experiences, choose which ones you would like to change – whether that means making a change within yourself or within your relationship.

Self-Compassion: Chances are that if you feel that your distress is part of a hardened pattern of interaction with your partner, frustration or helplessness are part of what you are feeling. People frequently turn these feelings against themselves. They judge themselves for remaining in the relationship or for not changing the problems. Or, they sink into a sense of inadequacy. If you notice these tendencies in yourself, it is essential that you practice self-compassion.

Treat yourself as you would a friend who is in distress. Rather than turn against yourself, be caring toward your own pain. Choose to talk with others who can be supportive. Do what you can to connect strongly with the desire to improve your situation as you feel the pain.

Choosing to Change: Once you are clear about your experiences and feel strong in the desire to improve your situation, decide how you would like your situation to be different.

It is not enough to know what you don’t want, such as, “I don’t like being ignored.” You must also know what you do want. “I want him to make time for us to connect for even a few minutes each day and to spend more time together on the weekends.”

Now you are ready to approach your partner with well-defined goals and an open heart. Clearly the conversation you have with your partner is hugely important in trying to improve your relationship. However, the steps outlined above to prepare yourself for this discussion can be extremely helpful. By developing compassionate self-awareness before your talk with your partner, you are better prepared to soften hardened patterns within yourself and your relationship.

Leslie Becker-Phelps, Ph.D. is a clinical psychologist in private practice and is on the medical staff at Robert Wood Johnson, Somerset in Somerville, NJ. She is also a regular writer for WebMD's Relationships blog and is the relationship expert on WebMD’s Relationships and Coping Community.

Dr. Becker-Phelps is also the author of Insecure in Love.

If you would like email notification of new blog postings by Dr. Becker-Phelps, click here.

Making Change blog posts are for general educational purposes only. They may or may not be relevant for your particular situation; and they should not be relied upon as a substitute for professional assistance.

Personal change through compassionate self-awareness