Why Planning Sex Might Make It Hotter

Too exhausted for sex? Plan with your partner for earlier in the day.

Source: cottonbro studio / Pexels

Picture this: It’s 10:30 p.m., the kids are finally asleep, a mountain of laundry stares back at you from across the room, and your partner leans over with that look. You’re torn between “Aw, that’s sweet” and “Please don’t touch me until I’ve had eight hours of uninterrupted REM sleep.”

Sound familiar? You’re not alone.

The myth of “It should just happen”

Many of us grew up believing that great sex is supposed to be spontaneous. That it just happens when the stars (and your babysitter’s availability) align. But in reality, life, with all its deadlines, diapers, and dishes, rarely offers that kind of cinematic spontaneity.

Our culture has long sold us on the idea that if you have to plan sex, something’s wrong with your relationship. But new research by the Sexual Health and Relationships Lab at York University—by myself, Amy Muise, and four co-authors—shows that this belief might be holding couples back from more frequent intimacy and desire.

It turns out that planning sex is kind of hot.

The study

In a preregistered study newly published in The Journal of Sex Research (Kovacevic et al., 2025), 310 parents with young children were encouraged to read about the benefits of planning sex and to try it, while the control group, 204 parents with young children, continued their routines as usual. Why new parents? Because if anyone needs help making time for sex, it’s parents with toddlers.

After two weeks, we compared the two groups' experiences and found that:

• Couples that learned to value planning sex actually had more sex (about 28% more).
• They also reported increased desire, which was surprising given that most people tend to idealize spontaneous sex and devalue planned sex.
• On average, they didn’t feel more pressured or obligated; in fact, they felt less pressured to have sex.

In other words, shifting your mindset about planned intimacy can boost not only your frequency but also your connection.

Why planning sex works (and doesn’t kill the mood)

If you’ve ever thought planning sex sounds unsexy, you’re not wrong. It can feel that way at first, but that’s usually because of what we believe about planning. When people were encouraged to see planned sex as something intentional, exciting, and caring, rather than desperate or boring or like a duty or obligation, it completely changed the experience.

Here’s why it might work:

• Anticipation is sexy. Knowing you have a night (or afternoon or morning) set aside for intimacy lets desire build throughout the day. Flirty texts become foreplay.
• Preparation matters. Parents especially said they felt more relaxed and present when they had time to mentally (and physically) prepare.
• Intentionality equals care. Setting aside time says, “You matter to me." That’s hot.

The results echo a truth sex therapists and couples therapists have known for years: Effort and communication are the real aphrodisiacs.

And while spontaneity is all well and good, planning sex may protect intimacy from the chaos of modern life. You might think about it as another tool in your intimacy toolbox.

Missing the spark? Set aside time for it.

Source: Polina Tankilevitch / Pexels

So, how do you “plan” sex without making it awkward?

Start small:

1. Talk about it like teamwork. Discuss and choose a time when you won’t be exhausted and frame it as a desire to connect, not an obligation.
2. Build anticipation. Send a playful message during the day.
3. Set the scene. Whether it’s a date night in or a weekend morning, make the environment conducive to connection: music, lighting, whatever feels good.
4. Stay flexible. Planning doesn’t mean rigidity. If you’re both too tired, reschedule with kindness.

Sex Essential Reads

An Increasing Proportion of Americans Identify as Bisexual

20 Ways to Boost Relationship and Sexual Satisfaction

The goal isn’t to make sex another “task,” but to intentionally create space for it, just like you do for dinner, rest, the gym, a vacation, or anything else important to your well-being and relationships.

The takeaway: Effort is sexy

Our findings challenge the myth that great sex “just happens,” and show that planning can result in more frequent sex, increased sexual desire, and less pressure.

So next time you hear someone say “planning sex kills the mood,” remind them: For some couples, like parents, #planningissexy.

Read the full paper, watch our short infographic video summarizing the research, and get more tips on planning sex with your partner here.