Sexually Dominant Women and the Men who Desire Them, Part II
The cuckoldress and the hot wife
Posted Nov 18, 2014
There is relatively little in the academic literature on the cuckoldress and the hot wife. But both forms of female dominance seem to be gaining in popularity as made evident by my clinical practice and the Internet. A recent article in the Huffington Post (2014) entitled, "Cheating Wives on the Rise," reported that female infidelity has increased over the past two decades. Why? According to Longhi (2011), author of When Women Cheat, “modern men are evolving into beta males, with lower testosterone levels and thereby being conditioned to accept female infidelity as normal, resulting in the biological rewiring of our ideals about monogamous love.” Baker (1996), author of Sperm Wars, contended that men are complicit in female infidelity: the excitement of a man’s female partner having sex with another man biologically compels the man to have sex with his partner in an attempt to compete with the other man’s sperm. In tune with Castleman (2009), I suspect that positive developments such as an increase in educational and economic opportunities for women also play a part. Women who can support themselves are more likely to risk having an affair, and spending more time in the work world affords them the opportunity. Power and control dynamics witnessed in one’s family of origin may also be a causal factor. I suppose it’s better to screw than to be screwed.
In the reverse double-standard of the cuckolding subculture, the cuckoldress (female) tends to take on the sexually dominant role, and the cuckold (male) the submissive role. Cuckolding can range from verbal fantasy between monogamous partners (e.g., the cuckoldress tells the cuckold about her desire for a more virile man) to alternative lifestyles in which the cuckoldress chooses to experience lovers outside her primary relationship. The cuckold is to remain loyal to the cuckoldress; he is dedicated to meeting her needs no matter how humiliating he finds the process. In fact, the more humiliating the greater the high.
The cuckold may not be allowed to participate in “any” sexual act including solo-masturbation, unless given permission by the cuckoldress. The cuckoldress may choose to ensure this by placing her partner’s penis in a chastity belt and wearing the key on a chain around her neck. The men that the cuckoldress chooses for her lovers are referred to as “bulls.” The cuckoldress may have one or two bulls for a long period of time, or as many as she desires, and at her discretion. The cuckold must learn to embrace emasculation and humiliation at the hands of his queen. If the cuckoldress allows the cuckold to directly participate in her sexual experiences it is usually for the purpose of furthering his sexual humiliation. For example, she may force him to have sex with one of her bulls.
The cuckold and cuckoldress usually sign a formalized contract outling the sexual terms of their relationship. However, the cuckoldress is usually granted power and control over other contexts in their lives as well. For example, a cuckoldress I was treating told her partner that she also wanted compete control over their finances. “I can’t play the sexual-power role and dominate you if I don’t feel in control of everything,” she said. “It makes it more real to me.” Many cuckolds also play the role of a domesticated female by agreeing to stay home and take on various household responsibilities. It is not uncommon for the cuckold to have dinner waiting for the cuckoldress following her return from a liaison with one of her bulls. If the cuckold fails to fulfill any of the agreed upon terms of the agreement, the cuckoldress may punish him in any way she deems fit. This may range from a physical beating to an extended period of time in the chastity belt. Some cuckolds are held responsible for failing to keep their partners stocked with men.
Both parties agree to the terms of their specific relationship. If the cuckold feels strongly about a particular issue he can assert his will and insist that it be addressed in the contractual agreement. One cuckold sought treatment with me because his cuckoldress violated their contract: He insisted that his wife stay away from a man he despised, but she still had sex with the man even though she initially agreed to honor her husband’s condition.
Not all cuckolds are men; not all need to be married. But some level of commitment is necessary to enhance the erotic high of the sexual double standard. Cuckolding is often correlated with other fetishes such as exhibitionism and voyeurism. This makes sense since “seeing” and “showing” are key components of the cuckolding practice.
Unlike the dominatrix—which was discussed at length in Part I—cuckolding tends to develop out of a swinging lifestyle. Swingers, or those who engage others outside their relationship for the primary purpose of satisfying their sexual appetites, eventually determine that female sexual dominance is particularly attractive to them. If they already realize they have a proclivity for this delicacy prior to engaging in swinging, the swinging may then serve to open the door for it. While the male partner tends to initiate this dominant/submissive dynamic, there is “at least” an “overt” agreement between both parties to carry it out. I use the term overt because in some cases a more passive partner may agree to participate only to please the other. As mentioned in Part I, some dominatrices live the “lifestyle” or maintain the dominatrix role in their personal lives but most are able to keep their personal and professional lives somewhat distinct. This is what separates the dominatrix from the cuckoldress; the latter plays her role within her primary relationship.
The term cuckold derives from the cuckoo bird. While some of these species are monogamous, others are polyandrous and known to change partners, frequently hoping from nest to nest rather than building their own (Wittenzellner & Wingfield, 2004). An added touch of humiliation—if you allow for a bit of anthropomorphism—is that some breeds may also leave their eggs in the nests of others even going to great lengths to hide this from the original nest builder (Stokke, Roskaft, & Moller, 2006). This is similar to the real time cuckold concept of wife breeding or allowing another man to impregnate one’s wife and to accept raising the child as one’s own.
In Western cultures, cuckolds have sometimes been described as “wearing horns.” This alludes to stags who give up their mates when they are defeated by another male. One of the requirements of a modern-day cuckoldress is that her bull possess a penis larger than her primary partner—this adds to the humiliation. As such, cuckolding is considered a BDSM fetish.
Cuckolding can also be mixed with other non-monogamous relationship arrangements with which it has substantial overlap such as swinging, open relationships, and polyamory. Again, it is distinguished from these concepts in that cuckold’s thrill in their partner’s acts is specifically masochistic. There are many myths about the cuckold/cuckoldress couple; the following list may clarify some of them:
Facts and Fallacies
1. Destination Identity: Cuckolding usually emerges from swinging
2. The cuckoldress is usually never out of control
3. The cuckoldress can appear conservative
4. Many are not sexually satisfied with their primary partners
5. The cuckoldress wants better sex, not necessarily more sex
6. The cuckolding act is a kin to claiming female sexual power
7. The cuckoldress tends to carefully select her bulls
8. She can be submissive to her bulls (i.e., lovers)
9. She can have one or more bulls for a long period of time.
10. The is a clear sexual double-standard in her marriage
11. Female submissives do exist (i.e., cuckqueans)
12. The cuckoldress projects sexual inadequacy back onto her partner
13. The male is called a cuckold or cuckoldboy
14. The cuckoldress is primarily in control but she and her mate agree on limits
15. The couple usually sign a contract
16. Many cuckoldresses control all aspects of their relationships, including finances
17. Many restrict their male partner’s sexual capacity with a chastity belt
18. The cuckoldress may allow her male counterpart to masturbate, but usually infrequently
19. The cuckoldress may engage her cuckold to participate in her sexual activities with a bull but always in a limited and humiliating way
20. Cuckolds may be required to play a feminine role at home (e.g., do the dishes while the cuckoldress gets ready for her date with a bull).
21. Cuckolds are oftentimes powerful men outside their relationships with cuckoldresses
1. Variant of masochism: The cuckold derives pleasure from being humiliated; the cuckoldress from humiliating.
3. Baumeister (1989), in his book Masochism and the Self: A form of escapism in otherwise mentally healthy people. Cuckold fetishists are relieving themselves of the stress of the burden of their social role and escaping into a simpler, less-expansive position.
4. Freud and Baumeister agreed that the cuckold fetishist seeks pleasure both from the act of being humiliated and by giving pleasure to his lover(s). But cuckolding can be summed up psychologically as “distributing sexual humiliation to the cuckold.”
5. Cuckolds and cuckoldress may have experienced abuse, sexual and otherwise as children
6. Many have issues with control and power
7. Associations were usually made in their youth between control, humiliation, and the erotica
THE HOT WIFE
There seems to be even less material in the professional literature on the hot wife. And while many use the term interchangeably with cuckoldress, others such as Hathaway (2013), author of The Education of a Cuckold, take issue with this. For example, the author believes that the hot wife is more of a projection of her husband’s “slutty desires” in a woman than is the cuckoldress. And unlike the dominatrix and the cuckoldress, the hot wife is more about sex, and less about power and control. She may also be much more sexually active, more sexually flamboyant or provocative, and more sexually aggressive in her pursuit of men. For example, while a cuckoldress or a well compartmentalized dominatrix may look and dress like the girl next door in public, the hot wife tends to always be on the make, dressing as sexually alluring as possible—many are exhibitionistic. The hot wife also tends to be less discriminating in her choice of men than are dominatrices and cuckoldresses. And the hot wife may take more risks to quench her sexual appetite, oftentimes putting herself and her primary partner in danger.
Emanating from the swinger’s lifestyle, the hot wife is basically a married female swinger or a wife who has sex with men other than her husband with her husband’s permission. The hot wife is considered by many to be hypersexual and in some camps, a sex addict. Clearly she is less controlled than her fellow female dominants. She is much more liberal in her sexual control of her primary partner and may allow him to have frequent sex and to even join her in orgies or threesomes. She is far less likely than the cuckoldress to require her partner to wear a chastity belt. The hot wife is not as concerned with emasculating him as she is in reaching her sexual goals. While the hot wife and her primary partner will attempt to outline certain terms of their dynamic, formalized contracts are not considered as necessary as they are to the cuckold/cuckoldress couple. Let’s examine some of the characteristics of hot wives:
Facts and Fallacies
1. The hot wife desires more sex, not necessarily better sex
2. The hot wife is at times, out of control
3. Hit wives dress the part
4. Power is not major focus for the hot wife
5. The hot wife is usually on the make
6. The hot wife has her mate’s permission to sexually engage other men
7. The hot wife might not be very discriminating in choosing her lovers
8. She is primarily interested in sexual freedom
9. She may have sex with her husband or primary partner frequently
10. She may have sex with him infrequently
11. She may include him directly in her sexual activities
12. Not contract is necessary
13. A hot wife can evolve into a cuckoldress, but a cuckoldress will almost never become a hot wife
14. There’s less integrity in the hot wife’s process.
15. There is often little empathy
16. The hot wife operates from a more primitive level
17. The hot wife may also be prone to be engage in other addictive behaviors, even substance abuse
1. Usually develops out of the swinging lifestyle
2. Closer to sexual addiction
3. Related to humiliation
5. Possible bipolar disorder
6. Possible narcissistic, histrionic traits and tendencies
7. Exhibitionistic qualities
8. Oftentimes substance use/abuse is involved in her activities
9. Sexual abuse
10. Sex and self-esteem correlated
11. Power and control through her sexual prowess more so than male domination
Stay tuned for Part III on the sexually passive men who strongly desire dominant women. As I’ve told my graduate and postgraduate students time and again, while this material may turn you off, the dynamics do exist and therefore should be taken seriously by anyone wishing to make treating couples a life’s work.