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Narcissism
From Grief to Relief: Healing After Abuse
Part I: Four key emotions must be recognized while healing from heartbreak.
Posted May 27, 2021 Reviewed by Lybi Ma
Key points
- Grief is subjective and can affect people in different ways, including when ending a relationship.
- Narcissists are excellent actors and gaslighters, which complicates the healing process.
- Leaving a narcissistic relationship can also complicate future relationships and cause confusion over emotions and feelings.
Grief and pain are negative emotions closely associated with loss. Humans are wired to do anything to avoid suffering and discomfort, even if it means ignoring what is causing the pain.
Four emotions are common after a narcissistic breakup: grief, confusion, shame, and joy. Getting from grief to relief does not happen on a linear timeline. The emotions can be felt simultaneously or be distinctly individual, over the course of days or years, or on a repetitive cycle.
Grief Occurs With Any Type of Loss
Grief is predominantly associated with death, mourning, and the bereavement process. However, grief can occur after any type of loss: the death of a parent, a falling out with a friend, getting fired or laid off, losing an irreplaceable belonging, a pet going missing. Health afflictions like cancer or losing a limb can also cause a period of grief, frustration, and fear. With grief comes adaption and readjustment; we are biologically wired to find contentment in normalcy and everyday expectations. Discomfort and pain are signs that something is wrong, but the instinct is to avoid or resist the unwanted change.
After the death of his wife in 1960 C. S. Lewis said, “No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear.” Grief, fear, and pain are subjective. What is traumatic or heartbreaking to one person can be just a blip on the radar to another. In fact, two individuals can experience the exact same event and walk away with completely different memories. Individual differences in comprehension, emotions, brain wiring, and coping strategies can affect how people recall events.
Despite the abuses doled out by a narcissist, the end of the relationship can be heartbreaking for the victim. Many narcissistic victims admit they were not happy in the relationship, but that the discomfort was easier to accept than the scary option of starting over alone. Even at the worst, a relationship with an abusive individual offers routine and expectation. People who stay with their abuser may do so for myriad reasons, but largely because they have adapted to the abuse and have become immune. When the relationship ends, the victim is bereft and cleaning up the mess made by the narcissist and, more often than not, plunged into deep despair and grief.
The subjectiveness of grief explains why two people react differently to a breakup. In a healthy, non-abusive relationship, both parties will feel some sort of pain or loss after a relationship ends. The grief after a narcissistic breakup, however, is one-sided and reserved for the abused party. Even if the relationship was negative and abusive, the victim had genuine feelings invested. The narcissist is unable to feel love, affection, or genuine care for anyone but themselves. If they claim to be feeling grief, what they are actually feeling is the loss of attention, catering, and focus on them. The victim was not just alone in the relationship; they are now alone in their grief.
It takes a mentally and emotionally strong person to not just recover from the grief of ending a narcissistic relationship but to resist the magnetic pull of the narcissist to get back into the cycle of abuse. But like all traumatic recoveries, it is possible to move beyond the current situation. Those who have successfully broken away from narcissists recommend enlisting a therapist to aid in clarifying the situation and working on increasing self-esteem. Cutting all contact with the narcissist will also prevent communications: changing email addresses, phone numbers, blocking social media contact, and event obtaining legal orders of protection all prevent a narcissist from reaching out and tempting the victim to reconnect.
Empaths are prime victims for narcissists and thus should take whatever measures necessary to protect themselves. Says Aurora, “In one case, I literally moved across the country. I poured so much love into myself that there wasn't any room for external validation to come in.” Journaling is also a great way to reconnect with your own thoughts and identify patterns of thinking and behaviors.
If it is legally necessary to stay in contact with the narcissist, such as with custody or divorce situations, only communicate through a lawyer or the courts. This will protect not only your emotional well-being but also your legal rights, reputation, and even the outcome of the case.
Confusion Is Common
A narcissist will negatively affect a victim’s self-esteem and feelings of self-worth, which makes it easier for them to be controlled and swayed. This leads directly into the next common emotion of confusion.
Over the course of the relationship, the narcissist was able to create an environment of interdependence and reliance. The victim may logically understand that they are better off without their abuser, but that doesn’t ease the loneliness and separation. The narcissist has established a pattern of addiction, withdrawal, and relapse that is familiar and comforting. When a victim finally is free, the relief is both exhilarating and confusing. If I was in love, if I was marrying that person, or was married to that person, if I spent a year, 10 years, 20 years with that person and that wasn’t love. Then what is?
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This also complicates relationships that evolve post-narcissist because the victim is suffering from a type of post-traumatic stress. Goodwill and motives are questioned: Why is this person being so kind to me? What do they want from me? Why is this person flattering me? How can they find me attractive after the things my ex said? Even being treated respectfully can be confusing and cause the victim to rethink their experiences with the narcissist. Since they were in love, the treatment they were subjected to was assumed to also be love. Remember, abuse can disguise itself as love. Narcissists are incredibly adept at putting on grand performances that can gaslight family members and trick professional clinical psychiatrists.
Engaging in a relationship with someone new after a narcissistic breakup is completely up to the person recovering. Individuals who have found themselves starting over after a narcissistic breakup describe the struggles of learning to trust others again and trusting their own hearts. While they may be susceptible to falling back into a narcissistic cycle with a new abuser, they have an equal chance of finding someone who is kind and true. Recovering from a narcissistic relationship is a lifelong process. No one can determine if you are ready for a new relationship except for you. However, it is a good idea to include a therapist or trusted friend or family member as a sounding board for feedback and an outside opinion. Guard your heart but don’t lock it in the dark.
Just as C.S. Lewis grieved the loss of his wife and feared his life without her, he also knew there was more than just pain: There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind (1963).
Part 2 of From Grief to Relief will discuss the emotions of shame and joy.
