When Sameness Betrays Fairness

I don’t believe in equality.

There, I said it. And before you dismiss this as a radical or cynical stance, hear me out. The entire conversation about equality—whether in intimate relationships, families, workplaces, or societies—is misguided and often leads to more division rather than resolution. Why? Because equality assumes that we all begin from the same starting line, with the same privileges, abilities, and resources—physical, emotional, biological, financial, intellectual, and beyond. But that’s simply not true.

I have spent years studying relationships from romantic and familial to societal. I have worked with couples, families, and communities across the globe. And what I have seen over and over again is this: The pursuit of equality often leads to frustration, resentment, and estrangement. Because it’s a false premise. We are not equal.

The Problem With Equality

Equality assumes that fairness means sameness—that if we each get 50 percent of the pie, we are all set. But, in reality, our needs, circumstances, and capacities are not identical, and they evolve over time.

• A couple dividing household responsibilities “equally” may still leave one partner feeling overburdened if emotional labor isn’t taken into account.
• Expecting both partners to take on the same tasks regardless of whether one finds them effortless while the other finds them excruciating, can create unnecessary strain.
• A workplace offering the same leadership training to all employees ignores the fact that individuals have different experiences, needs, and access to opportunities.
• A government enforcing "equal" policies may still overlook systemic disparities that prevent marginalized groups from accessing opportunities in the first place.

Equality only works if everyone starts from the same place and requires the same support—which they don’t. This is where equity comes in.

Equity: The Path to True Fairness in Relationships

Fairness is the foundation of any thriving relationship. When one partner feels subjugated, tension inevitably builds until, like steam in a kettle, it eventually finds a way to escape.

Instead of chasing an illusion of equality, we need to focus on equity which could be defined as the continuous process of allocating resources, responsibilities, and support based on individual and collective needs and capabilities.

In relationships, equity means acknowledging that partners bring different strengths, challenges, and limitations to the table. It’s about understanding that time, energy, attention, and emotional bandwidth fluctuate based on life phases, work stress, health, and personal growth.

For instance:

• Early in a relationship, one partner may have more financial stability while the other is building their career. Instead of splitting expenses 50/50, equity would mean contributing proportionally based on income.
• In parenting, one partner may take on more child-rearing responsibilities while the other focuses on providing financial security. This shifts over time as careers, parenting roles, and external demands evolve.
• During periods of stress or illness, one partner may not be able to carry as much of the emotional or logistical load. A rigid demand for "equal" contributions can feel dismissive and unfair in these moments (one that I hear a lot in my office about).

The Equity Scale: A Practical Tool for Couples

Because equity is dynamic, I encourage couples to meet weekly to discuss responsibilities. I call this “an admin meeting”—rating tasks on a scale from 1 to 10 based on their discomfort or difficulty. This exercise helps reveal hidden pain points and allows for conscious, compassionate negotiation.

For example:

• One partner may rate doing laundry as a 2 (easy and mindless), while the other rates it a 9 (tedious and overwhelming). The first partner can take it on without resentment, knowing it’s a way to contribute meaningfully. Think about the gratitude the other person will have!
• Grocery shopping might be rated equally high for both partners, prompting a discussion about alternative solutions—perhaps using a delivery service or splitting the task differently.
• One partner may be exhausted from a demanding work week and unable to contribute equally that week. The other steps up, knowing that roles may reverse in the future.

This approach removes the guilt, competition, and resentment that rigid equality creates and replaces it with mutual respect and adaptability. Equity allows relationships to evolve rather than stay locked in an unrealistic, static expectation.

Beyond Relationships: Equity in Workplaces and Society

While this discussion is centered on intimate relationships, the principle of equity extends beyond the home:

• In workplaces, true fairness isn’t treating all employees the same but recognizing that different employees need different resources to succeed. Some may require mentorship, while others may benefit from flexible schedules or specialized training.
• In families, siblings don’t always require equal attention but, rather, tailored support based on their unique personalities and needs.
• In society, systemic imbalances mean that simply offering "equal" opportunities isn’t enough. Barriers must be acknowledged and addressed for fairness to be meaningful or even possible.

Why This Matters in Loving Relationships and Beyond

The belief in absolute equality often leads to disillusionment and estrangement. It breeds frustration when people perceive discrepancies in effort and outcome, feeling shortchanged or unseen.

The book Teens Who Hurt: Clinical Interventions to Break the Cycle of Adolescent Violence, explores the construct of rage, illustrating how unaddressed injustices and imbalances fuel deep-seated anger. The connection between this dynamic and the frustrations that arise from rigid notions of equality is undeniable.

No wonder resentment festers in romantic relationships, friendships, and workplaces alike—when fairness is measured by sameness, people feel unheard, undervalued, and exhausted. This highlights the need for a more nuanced approach—one that prioritizes equity over an illusion of equality.

Rethinking Fairness in Your Relationships

Imagine if you shifted your mindset, if you stopped insisting on equality and instead sought equity in your daily interactions. What would change?

• How would your expectations in your relationships shift?
• How would you advocate differently in your workplace or community?
• What beliefs about fairness would you need to unlearn?

Fairness isn’t about treating everyone the same. It’s about recognizing and honoring differences, ensuring that each person receives what they need to thrive. That is what leads to stronger partnerships, deeper intimacy, and more just societies.

If this article resonated with you, consider sharing it with a partner, friend, or colleague. Conversations around fairness, expectations, and relational dynamics have the power to transform not just our closest relationships, but the way we navigate the world.

Equity isn’t just an abstract concept—it’s an invitation to connect, to negotiate, and to evolve together.