What's Your "Detachment Style" in Relationships?

Over the past decade, there has been significant discussion and research on attachment styles and their impact on relationships. We now have a growing body of evidence showing that individuals with secure, anxious, or avoidant attachment styles cope with breakups in distinct ways. For instance, research by Burns et al. (2021) found that anxiously attached individuals tend to experience heightened distress and require longer recovery periods, while avoidantly attached individuals are more likely to initiate breakups and feel relief rather than grief afterward (Freeman & Wood, 2022). Similarly, Simpson et al. (2020) demonstrated that attachment avoidance is associated with emotional disengagement and cognitive distancing post-breakup, whereas anxious attachment is linked to rumination and difficulty moving on.

While these insights are valuable, there is little research on the actual process of detachment, i.e., how people end relationships in the first place. The ways in which individuals initiate, navigate, and conclude relationships shape not only the experience of separation but also how well both parties recover. This is where I introduce the concept of "Ending Styles" or "Detachment Styles," a framework to help us understand not just how we attach, but how we let go, exploring the different ways people end relationships and how recognizing your own pattern can lead to more intentional, conscious transitions.

Why We Struggle With Endings

Endings are often misunderstood. In many cultures, they carry a sense of failure, as if a relationship ending means it wasn’t meaningful or successful. As a result, many of us avoid endings altogether, rush through them, or leave them unresolved—leading to emotional distress that lingers long after the relationship itself has faded.

If you tend to cling to relationships even when they no longer serve you, you might feel overwhelmed, stuck, or emotionally exhausted. On the other hand, if others frequently end things with you, you may feel powerless, confused, or as if you have no control over your own life.

Recognizing your personal ending style can help you gain closure, reshape the way you transition in relationships, and ensure that your endings align with your values.

Seven Common Ending/Detachment Styles

Through my work with clients, I’ve identified several distinct ending styles, each with its own motivations, emotional impact, and path to closure. See what resonates with you and if you can think of others that you have either experienced or witnessed in others:

1. The Drama Exit. Some people create conflict or manufacture a crisis as a way to justify the end of a relationship. This is often a subconscious way to externalize internal conflicts, unresolved emotions, or a need for validation.

If this is your style: Ask yourself, what emotions am I avoiding processing? How can I address them directly rather than through conflict?

If someone ended a relationship with you this way: Recognize that their chaotic exit was likely about their internal struggles, not a reflection of your worth.

2. The Peaceful Exit. This person seeks mutuality of agreement and decision-making before ending a relationship. They communicate openly, ensure both parties have clarity, and try to part ways with care and respect, often leaving the possibility for redefining their relational space without cutting the ties completely.

If this is your style: You likely prioritize emotional well-being and closure. You can also have some degree of objectivity in your relational spaces. Continue fostering open dialogue and ensure that you differentiate between seeking peace and avoiding conflict.

If someone ended a relationship with you this way: Appreciate the care and consideration they showed, even if the ending was still painful.

3. The Overlap Exit. This style involves forming a new attachment before leaving the current one, whether emotionally or physically. It often comes from a deep fear of being alone or uncertainty about the future.

If this is your style: Ask yourself—what am I afraid of if I leave without a replacement connection? How can I build security within myself?

If someone ended a relationship with you this way: Understand that their need for stability was driving their actions it doesn’t mean your relationship was invalid or if they have a new person in their life, they are "better" than you are.

4. The Sudden Exit. Some people end relationships abruptly, without explanation or warning. This may be due to built-up resentment, fear of confrontation, lack of respect for the other party, or avoidance of emotional discomfort.

If this is your style: Consider why you avoid endings until they feel unbearable. How can you develop healthier ways to communicate your needs earlier? also think about the impact that this style has on the other person.

If someone ended a relationship with you this way: Recognize that their avoidance of conflict does not reflect your value or how much they cared.

5. The Partial Exit. In this style, someone leaves emotionally but not physically or vice versa. This might look like ghosting within a relationship, staying in touch but withdrawing affection, bread-crumbing (just giving enough to sustain the bare minimum line of connection), or keeping a professional relationship distant while maintaining appearances.

If this is your style: Reflect on what’s keeping you from making a full decision. Are you avoiding guilt, fear, or uncertainty? or the logistical needs and necessities are keeping you tethered to the person and the relationship.

If someone ended a relationship with you this way: Recognize the mixed signals and decide what boundaries you need to move forward, where is the line and limit for you beyond which you would not tolerate this dynamic.

6. The Promise-to-Continue Exit. Some people try to soften the blow of an ending by promising to stay in touch or remain friends, even when they don’t intend to or when it isn’t realistic.

If this is your style: Ask yourself whether this is truly beneficial for both people, or if it’s a way to avoid difficult emotions.

If someone ended a relationship with you this way: Be mindful of false hope and define new boundaries if needed.

7. The No-Guilt Exit. This is considered the preferred approach by many, ending a relationship with grace, clarity, and respect and /or knowing that you have done what you could to ensure both people feel cared for and not feel injured while moving away from the relationship.

If this is your style: You likely approach endings with clarity and intention, whether as part of your emotional nature or to avoid regret. Honoring both your emotions and the reality of the situation can help make the transition smoother for everyone involved.

If someone ended a relationship with you this way: Their approach may have been shaped by a desire for clarity, self-preservation, or even avoiding the burden of guilt. While this may not lessen the pain of parting, having a clear and intentional ending can sometimes make acceptance easier over time.

How to Cultivate Healthy Endings

Understanding your own ending style can help you navigate future transitions with more awareness, control, and emotional integrity.

Literacy: Reflection and Self-Awareness

• What patterns do you notice in how you end relationships? Do you tend to withdraw, seek resolution, or avoid endings altogether?
• Are your endings intentional or reactive? Do you make conscious choices, or do circumstances force the ending upon you?
• Have past endings left you with lingering questions or closure? If they feel unfinished, what part of the process felt unresolved?
• What emotions typically drive your endings? Fear, relief, guilt, avoidance, or a desire for mutual understanding?

Fluency: Taking Action and Applying Awareness

Now that you recognize your patterns, here are steps to navigate endings with more intention (assuming you wish to change your dominant approach):

• Jot down your dominant ending style.
• Practice ending a small, low-stakes relationship differently. If you tend to withdraw, try having a brief but honest conversation instead of disappearing. If you usually soften endings with promises to stay connected, try to avoid the urge to promise beyond what you are willing to deliver.
• If a past relationship feels unresolved, write a closure letter (even if you don’t send it). Articulate what you learned, what you’re letting go of, and what you wish for yourself moving forward. This helps shift lingering emotions into clarity.
• Ask someone you trust for feedback. Share your reflections with a close friend or therapist or coach. Do they notice a pattern in how you detach? Outside perspective can help identify blind spots.
• Make a conscious plan for your next transition. If you foresee a relationship or role changing soon, decide in advance how you want to navigate the transition. Intention reduces unnecessary worry and reactive endings.

Endings are not just something to survive, they are opportunities for growth, self-awareness, and transformation. Recognizing your ending style gives you the power to shape the way you transition in and out of relationships with clarity, care, and confidence.

Sometimes, the relationship itself doesn’t need to end, just the way it currently exists!.

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