6 Reasons Gift-Giving Men Are Good Lovers

Men who lack the capacity to be giving, miss out on the benefits of love.

Posted Apr 19, 2012

Courtesy of Thomas Kaufman
Source: Courtesy of Thomas Kaufman

Just recently there have been articles popping up about gift-giving, which can create joy in some and consternation in others. But this piece in the Sydney Morning Herald last week was rather pensive: Taking on the gift of giving. There are times when I think the world can be divided into givers and receivers, but that would be too simpleYet I did begin to wonder why it is that some people take joy in buying a gift for lovers, friends and family, while others take little pleasure in giving even for holidays or birthdays.

We were at a lovely dinner party not long ago at which the hostess had picked out a thoughtful gift for each of her 13 guests.  And as if her beautiful dinner was not in itself a glorious gift, when we left, her beau handed each woman a box of Godiva chocolates. When I told friends the story, the reaction was unanimous, “Now that is a man who knows how to treat women!”

The late sexologist Carol Baldwin might agree.  Author of  THE LOVE CRISIS: Hit-and-Run Lovers, Jugglers, Sexual Stingies her work is described as the inspiration for John Gray’s book: Men Are From Mars Women Are From Venus

After reading some of the literature and talking with several therapists, it seemed apparent, men who are gift givers are better lovers.

6 reasons gift giving men are good lovers:

  1. They enjoy the act of giving and therefore are sensitive to a woman’s intimate needs.
  2. Pleasing a woman gives them pleasure rather than the fear of losing out to intimacy.
  3. Gift giving men appreciate the art of the lingering kiss.
  4. They are open to new experiences that might mean spending money at different restaurants—instead of eating out on the cheap. By taking a chance on new places and new foods the love hormone, oxytocin, is naturally charged.
  5. They value women and wish to show their appreciation with gifts that are meaningful and love that is tender.
  6. They understand reciprocity, giving a woman pleasure will result in her desire to give pleasure to him.

Stingy man syndrome

When I asked Dr. Richard Nicastro Relationship Advice | Marriage Help | Dr. Rich Nicastro about generous and stingy men, he explained that when someone is considered “stingy” in a relationship, that person is experienced by his (or her) love partner as withholding needs or desires such as love, affection, money, sex, attention, or gifts.  "Withholding creates a state of frustration and deprivation in the desirous partner," he said.

Dr. Nicastro added: “The experience is one of, ‘You have what I want and deserve, and you're intentionally keeping it from me.’  The stingy-withholding person is usually assumed to be someone making a conscious decision to withhold. This perception of intentionality creates feelings of anger and frustration in the other person.”

This is dramatically different style than a person for whom generosity is a source of expansiveness and abundance.

Dr. Nicastro noted: “Stingy people exist in a psychic state of lack—they experience themselves and the world as having finite resources and therefore have to hold onto their small piece of the pie. They do not feel that by giving to another they are somehow or in some way replenished.  They perceive giving as a one-way street that drains them of emotional and/or  material resources.. . .

 “Being generous in some way by giving emotionally, sexually, or energetically  feels threatening because it is a selfless act which requires a loosening or letting go of one's self or psychological boundaries,” he said.

Essentially, Dr. Nicastro pointed out that withholding is an unconscious way of regulating intimacy and keeping the other person at arms length. 

In writing about The Benefits of Generosity for Psychology Today, Judith Orloff, M.D. calls generosity “an expansive energy.”  An Assistant Clinical Professor of Psychiatry at UCLA and the author of Emotional Freedom, she challenges us to be giving: “Give what you can; it doesn't have to be a lot. Feel the growing sense of abundance it produces, an energy which circulates far and wide. It'll find its way back to you.”

Sad to say those who lack the capacity to be giving—miss out on the generous benefits of love.

Copyright 2012 Rita Watson/ All Rights Reserved

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