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How to become a famous and influential blogger!

How to become a famous and influential blogger!

I have never posted a blog entry before, but some of the principles of famous bloggerhood are already quite apparent. Early hint: It’s important to coin terms, like bloggerhood, for example. It doesn’t stop me that I have zero experience because experience in bloggerhood counts for little. What counts is “hits.”

What works? Even though I’ve never done it -- I’ll tell you.

You’ll want a cute memorable name, like “wonkette,” or “” (Those are taken.) It helps to have a smiley picture of yourself (preferably three or four years old).

You also want an authoritative tone while affecting a likable persona. By likable, I mean loathsome, but one that a hip snark-friendly lurker can find easy to understand. That’s called “reference power.”

Also, state something outrageously counterintuitive, and advocate its value for a few paragraphs before backpedaling via complications and caveats.

Your confidence will surge as you write (as mine currently does). Imagine the world turning its lonely desperate eyes first at your words, then at your three-year-old image. That means that out of a nation of 304 million, a sizable percentage (about .015 percent) will have carefully scrutinized your words and ideas if you’re successful (50,000 hits or more).

It may be wise to go controversial politically, which means go further to the left if you write for the Huffington Post. Go moralistic! Condemn and ridicule the opposition. Some things don’t change; the enemy is still called “they.” Vice versa for Newsmax. Remember, of those two blog sites, probably fewer than one in ten really read the other (except to monitor the enemy).

Kick ‘em when they’re up (as Safire used to say). Find a cause, any cause (peace, war, love, hate, etc.), because it will work to skyrocket your blog post hits. Also, mention other famous people you know or have talked to at least once in your life, so that their names come up on searches, or on their Google alerts. Certainly, great thinkers like psychologist Geoffrey Miller, humorist A.J. Jacobs, and artist Drew Friedman would appreciate the shout outs.

Using the above ironclad foolproof principles, I will write about Locus of Control, answering the question: Who is responsible for what I do, feel, and think? I'll explore how to live rationally in an often-irrational world while challenging yourself to overcome complacency. Directing yourself -- that's a goal. One thing I do know -- it’s a fast changing world, and pretending to understand it completely is best reserved for your blog posts.