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Key points
- Someone who underfunctions in a relationship is often dependent on a partner financially or emotionally.
- The overfunctioner is the one who takes on too many responsibilities and always tries to fix things.
- Potential problems with this dynamic include losing sex drive, resentment, and unhealthy family dynamics.
An unhealthy “overfunctioning-underfunctioning" pairing happens when a relationship becomes increasingly lopsided. Because most of the time this happens unconsciously, it is easy for people to miss the signs when a relationship is deteriorating.
What Is ‘Functioning’?
Broadly speaking, ‘functioning’ can be defined as the ability to make everyday decisions, take responsibility for one’s behaviours, and handle tasks in life autonomously. It is also related to one’s ability to manage their own emotions and sustain employment.
Do You Have an Underfunctioning Partner?
Someone who underfunctions in a relationship is often dependent on their partner in obvious and subtle ways. They may be financially dependent, or emotionally dependent. Despite being bright and creative, they are less mature or stable and have difficulties sustaining employment and friendships in general.
This does not mean they intentionally don’t try. Most of the time, they have the intent to become more independent, emotionally stable and healthy. However, due to their past trauma or lack of capacity, they struggle to fulfil the developmental task of gaining independence and adult sufficiency.
Due to social comparison and their day-to-day frustration, the underfunctioner becomes increasing insecure and unconfident. For example, they are no longer to make decisions for themselves without checking with others or do things without seeking reassurance or validation. They may be plagued with toxic shame, and have little capacity for managing their impulsive urges. As a result, they may overindulge or have some form of addiction. Because of their lack of emotional maturity, they may also tend to lash out uncontrollably. As their partner, you may feel you are walking on eggshells and cannot say or do anything right without triggering them. Ironically, many underfunctioners are incredibly bright, often, their friends and families will describe them as ‘having potential but not fulfilling it’.
It is not that the underfunctioner wants to be a burden. They might be held back by their childhood trauma or experience. For example, they may have overcontrolling parents who punish them for growing up and acting independently. They have learned to be the ‘needy’ one in the relationship because that was how they pleased their parents, and to avoid the threats of abandonment and punishment.
It can be tiring and frustrating to be locked in a relationship with an underfunctioner. However much you love them, you may feel exhausted from having to be the emotional caretaker and the one who ‘does everything’. But it is important to remember that they do not intentionally try to hurt you but is being held back by trauma or past conditioning.
Are You an Overfunctioner?
A relationship always involves two parties and it is never just one person’s fault that it is the way it is. If you find yourself being locked in a relationship dynamic with an underfunctioner, it is worth reflecting on your role in it.
There might be factors in your psyche or background that would have caused you to play the role of an ‘overfunctioner’, which in turn reinforces the dynamic loop you have with your underfunctioning partner.
You might have been ‘parentified’ as a child, for example. This means that from a young age you were forced by the circumstances, or your parents’ immaturity to take on many responsibilities that were not proportionate to your age. Perhaps one or both of your parents were emotionally vulnerable, immature, have anger issues, were violent or struggled with addictions. You might have to be their caretakers, counsellor, and confidant when they were upset. You might also have to become the leader in the family and caretake your younger siblings.
Therefore, the caretaking role now feels familiar. You naturally slip into it without realising.
When you see someone not performing, being effective or lacking in efforts, you feel the urge to help them, change them, or do things for them.
Opposites May Attract
Not surprisingly, people can be unconsciously drawn to their opposite. A natural overfunctioner usually over functions in many areas of their lives— not just relationships but also at work, in their parenting roles, and etc. You may feel exhausted from having too many responsibilities, but there is also a part of you that enjoy being needed. Being indispensable to other people is how you feel loved and gain security in the world. Your needs and way of being fits right into the puzzle of an underfunctioner’s psyche.
When an underfunctioner is unconsciously looking around for answers, reassurance, someone to lean on and console them, your qualities become extremely attractive to them. Their neediness feels familiar to you, which makes it attractive. The initial attraction between you can be electrifying.
Relationship Difficulties
Unfortunately, when the initial spark fades and the relationship becomes increasingly lopsided, you will both begin to feel the negative impact of having a polarised underfunctioning-overfunctioning partnership. Dr. Murray Bowen calls it a ‘mutually reinforcing trap.’ Once the loop begins, it can be self-perpetuating. Here are some signs that your relationship is deteriorating due to the unhealthy underfunctioning-overfunctioning dynamic:
1. The underfunctioner becomes increasingly anxious and dependent. They may lose more and more abilities to take care of themselves, comfort themselves in stress, or do household chores. When left on their own, they become extremely anxious. They may call you many times a day for the smallest decisions. They may even become physically ill and no longer able to function in society.
2. The overfunctioner is bottling up resentment. As the overfunctioner, despite showing up every day to fulfill your roles and responsibilities, inside you are close to burnout. At the same time, you don’t see how things can be different. You may not show it on the outside, or do not feel there is an outlet for your emotions, but inside you are bottling up resentment.
You are used to putting the focus on others’ needs rather than yourself, but you are a human after all and have needs and desires. When the responsibilities become too much, conscious and unconscious resentment is inevitable.
You may feel increasingly lonely in the relationship, as you are deprived of an intellectual and emotional ‘equal’ to be in companionship with. In some cases, you may find yourself acting passive-aggressively towards your partner, withdraw from them, or give them cold shoulders whenever possible.
3. Losing Sex Drive. The underfunctioner-overfunctioner dynamics make the relationship feel more like that of parent-and-child, or caretaker-and-patient, rather than that of equal partners. When there is such an imbalance in the power dynamic, it can be really difficult for either partner to feel sexually attracted to or aroused. To make matter worse, the underfunctioner may suffer from low self-esteem, body image issue or toxic shame, and not be able to feel carefree and spontaneous. The overfunctioner may also be so close to burnout that sex ceases to be a life priority.
4. Implications for Parenting. The lopsided co-dependency between two partners usually affects not just the romantic bond between two adults, but also how they parent and the dynamics of the entire family system. For example, the emotionally vulnerable underfunctioner may resort to using their child as a confidant, treating them more as a friend rather than a child. The overfunctioner may over function also as a parent, and become overly strict or controlling.
Saving the Relationship
When stuck in an overfunctioning-underfunctioning relationship, sometimes it can look as though there is no way out.
It is important to have compassion for both parties and understand that both over function and under function were first developed as a coping mechanism.
Deep down, the overfunctioner feels they are loved only for how ‘useful’ and dependable they are and find it difficult to feel unconditional love.
The underfunctioner wants to be independent and feel worthy as an adult, but is plagued with fears inherited from their childhood experience.
The overfunctioner can learn to let go, and tolerate the idea that certain things may not be done perfectly for a while.
The underfunctioner can also take small steps in taking responsibilities and allowing themselves to make decisions for themselves without over-doubting.
To change, both parties must communicate and collaborate. This can potentially be helped by couples’ therapy or relationship coaching. Gaining insights into what is happening is a start, but the real change comes from behavioural experiments that consolidate what you learn.
If you are reading this and you recognise you and your loved ones being trapped in a codependency loop, you might be at a crossroads. Either you allow the unhealthy equilibrium to continue, and wear down the love between you, or you take proactive actions to change it. With sincere efforts and patience, it is possible to rescue, re-energise and rekindle the love that you have.
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