Stop Shoulding on Yourself

Source: Bernhard_Staerck/pixabay

One of my favorite therapy phrases is “Stop shoulding on yourself.” This is a humorous way to remind yourself that it is easy to create unrealistic and ungenuine personal expectations based on a sense of should vs. your true desires or values. The focus is on what sounds good or what others are doing, not what feels personally meaningful or helpful.

Have you ever told yourself you “should exercise,” “should practice mindfulness meditation daily” or “should tackle that home project I have been putting off?” Or, perhaps you have told yourself, “I should complete that school/work assignment perfectly,” “should get the promotion” or “should look put together at all times.”

Some of these goals and expectations may be helpful, yet often when we use “should” we foster a sense of pressure, rigid rules, and move away from what we truly care about. You may tell yourself you should do something, but do you genuinely want to do it, and will it benefit you?

I have previously written about the unhelpful nature of comparison and how it is easy to get caught up in trying to measure up to others vs, focusing on what we value. Starting, or maintaining a meaningful behavior can be challenging and it can be even more difficult to maintain a sense of momentum if a behavior is based on a should. We often feel more motivated when behavior is meaningful to us and not based on what sounds good or what someone else may want us to do.

To practice shifting from shoulds to values-based action, first nonjudgmentally notice and name your thoughts and expectations. Are you telling yourself you should be doing something or should be doing it a certain way? If so, curiously ask yourself if the should is helpful to you in the moment or perhaps is based on habit, comparison, or a rigid rule.

Second, cultivate more neutral and balanced thinking. If you are rigidly telling yourself you should be a certain way that doesn’t leave room for balance or humanness, actively practice bringing to mind alternative thoughts that strike a middle point. For example, you may shift from “I should perform perfectly” to “I will put in effort and do what I can in the moment.”

Also, practice shifting from focusing on shoulds to acknowledging what you appreciate or value about yourself or even something you feel neutral about. For example, perhaps you appreciate your kind nature, thoughtfulness, or curiosity. Take time to acknowledge these qualities.

Next, take some time to consider what you value. What feels meaningful and important to you? Values are subjective. For example, you do not need to value “fitness” just because it sounds good and it seems like something you should value. Maybe you don’t care about fitness and value learning. That’s fine. There is no right or wrong, no good or bad value. You are simply aiming to clarify your values.

Finally, once you have more clarity about your values, pick one value and create a realistic and specific goal that aligns with it and will move you in the direction of your value. It is okay, and often helpful, to start small. If one of your values is learning, you could set a goal of starting to read a new book within the next week.

And remember to “Stop shoulding on yourself!”