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Has your partner ever acted in a way that confused you? Maybe he’s been emotionally distant lately, even though it seems like you had been getting along fine. Or perhaps she’s going out with her friends most nights, leaving you home alone more than usual.
Naturally, you feel threatened. It’s easy to get mad and make accusations when you’re not sure what’s going on in a relationship. But that only makes the situation worse.
What if there was a way to figure out what’s going on?
In the classic book, Couple Skills, authors Matthew McKay, Ph.D., Patrick Fanning, and Kim Paleg, Ph.D, write: “At any given time, you can be sure that your partner is doing his or her best to survive: seeking pleasure, avoiding pain or loss or danger, meeting needs, compensating for past painful experience, and so on. Your partner’s actions may not always be the most effective or reasonable solutions to the problem of survival, but that proves rather than denies your partners essential humanity.”
In other words, your partner is doing the best they can with the resources they have available.
I liked one of the exercises in their book so much that I asked their permission to include it in the book that I wrote with my husband, Illuminating the Heart: Steps Toward a More Spiritual Marriage. You can do this exercise mentally, or you can print it out and jot down your answers. I'll include an example at the end.
In the space below, write down (or think about) a behavior that your partner engages in that bothers you. Then answer the questions.
Behavior that bothers me: _____________________
1. How does this behavior help my partner seek pleasure?
2. How does this behavior help my partner avoid pain?
3. What need is my partner trying to meet?
4. How can I help my partner meet this need?
5. What past experience makes my partner likely to do this?
6. How can I minimize the effect of this behavior on me?
Let's look at an example. Dan and Marlena were in their mid-30s. They sought counseling after Marlena suffered a fourth-month miscarriage. She was upset because Dan worked such long hours after she miscarried—she surmised that he didn't care about her, or about what it happened. Here's how she answered the questions:
Behavior that bothers me: Dan buries himself in his work when I need his emotional support.
1. How does this behavior help my partner seek pleasure?
Dan enjoys his work and receives a lot of positive feedback from his coworkers.
2. How does this behavior help my partner avoid pain?
He keeps so busy with his work, he doesn't have as much time to dwell on his feelings.
3. What need is my partner trying to meet?
A need to control; and a need for things to make sense.
4. How can I help my partner meet this need?
I can let him grieve in his own way, and at his own pace. I can invite him to share his feelings, but not pressure him to do so.
5. What past experience makes my partner likely to do this?
He wasn't raised in a family that was emotionally expressive. His father tended to be a workaholic.
6. How can I minimize the effect of this behavior on me?
I can reassure myself that Dan is not doing this to be cruel. He's doing the best that he can with what he has. I can sometimes reach out to other people when I need to talk.
By completing this exercise, Marlena was better able to see the situation from Dan's perspective. It wasn't that he didn't care about her, he was simply unable to show his caring in the precise way she needed. She removed the negative intention she assigned to his behavior, and quit blaming him for withdrawing. Instead she sought to understand the underlying reasons for his behavior. By empathizing with him, she was able to accept him more completely. She was also able to initiate a discussion with him, in a non-accusatory way, about what was going on, and how best to move foreward. Marlena’s acceptance of Dan's emotional withdrawal actually led to increased sharing and closeness between them.
I hope you'll try this exercise and see if it doesn’t help you better understand your partner, and bring you closer together.
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