Why We Avoid Those Closest to Us When We Need Them Most

One of the great things about having people in your life that you are close to is that when you are having difficulties, you can talk to them. They are your confidants. Or at least, that’s what has been assumed by most of us—and by many social scientists, too. But maybe it’s just not so.

Sociologists Mario L. Small, Kristina Brant, and Maleah Fekete found striking evidence that we are just as likely to avoid talking to the people we feel closest to as to open up to them about sensitive issues. The study was based on a nationally representative sample of 1,000 adults in the US, and the findings were published as “The avoidance of strong ties” in the American Sociological Review in July 2024.

How the Study Was Done

In an online survey administered by the National Opinion Research Center, 1000 adults in the U.S., 18 and older, were first asked to name the 7 people they felt closest to. Then they were asked how likely they were to talk to each of those persons if they “needed to talk about something sensitive and personal.”

They were then told, “From time to time, we all experience sensitive personal issues.” They were asked about issues they had experienced in the past 3 months in the domains of mental or physical health, work, and romantic or family relationships. (Participants talked about friends, too, though they apparently were not asked specifically about friendships.)

The key questions came next. For each sensitive issue, and each of the people they named, they were asked if they talked to that person about that issue. If they didn’t, they were asked if they considered doing so. If they considered talking and decided against it, that was counted as active avoidance. If they said that they would not have talked to that person about that issue, that was counted as passive avoidance—they just automatically avoided talking to that person about that sensitive issue, without thinking much about it.

Evidence for Avoiding the People We Feel Closest to When Something Is on Our Minds

Some key findings:

• The participants were at least as likely to avoid talking about sensitive issues to the people they felt closest to (38%) as they were to talk about those issues (37%).
• Most of the time, when people were avoiding talking about what was troubling them, they did so passively; they didn’t even consider talking to the other person about it.
• More than half of the closest people in the participants’ lives (58%) were avoided at least once. One out of every three was avoided repeatedly.
• Men were more likely to avoid talking about sensitive issues, but women had high rates of avoidance, too.
• Income and education did not matter much. Rates of avoidance were about the same for those who had more and those who had less. Unfortunately, no findings were reported for people of different marital status or romantic relationship statuses. Also, no information was reported about differences in avoidance depending on whether the other person was a friend, spouse, romantic partner, relative, or someone else.
• The adults in this study were especially likely to avoid talking about issues that were secret or embarrassing, but they also avoided talking about issues that were neither.
• The participants were especially likely to avoid talking to people they found difficult and people who were powerful, but avoidance was substantial even for people who were not difficult or powerful.
• The topics avoided most often were (1) sex; (2) conflict with a spouse, ex, or romantic partner; (3) a friend’s physical or mental health issue; (4) feeling isolated or lonely; and (5) politics. Once again, though, other topics also were avoided at fairly high rates.

Why Do People Avoid Talking to the People Closest to Them When They Need Them Most?

First, the easy question: Why do people reveal their problems to the people they feel closest to? They want support. They know that secrecy can undermine the intimacy that they crave. Small and his colleagues add that “in a more fundamental way (they) reveal themselves for the sake of human connection.”

Some of the reasons for avoiding talking about sensitive or personal issues may also seem self-evident. For example, some disclosures could be embarrassing or stigmatizing. In a nod to the sociologist Georg Simmel, Small and his colleagues also suggest that avoidance helps us “to maintain our individuality among others, as only what is concealed is truly ours.”

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