How Neurodiverse Parents Can Better Manage Chaos

If you’re a parent with ADHD, autism, anxiety, or another neurodivergence, have you ever been upset with yourself because you forgot the field trip form, pajama day, or the sports gear—again?

As a neurodivergent mother of two neurodivergent kids, I find it easy to become overwhelmed, which leads to forgetfulness. No matter how many calendars I create or lists I write, I always end up dropping the ball. And every time, I get angry with myself.

Little girl smiling with paint on her hands

Source: Prashant Sharma/Pixabay

Neurodivergent people often struggle with “executive functioning,” or EF. As I define it in my latest book, Your Kid Belongs Here: An Insider’s Guide to Parenting Neurodiverse Children, EF is “the mental ability that ­people use to plan, concentrate, ­organize, exercise self-­control, and manage daily tasks.”

In my definition, I replace the word “need” that you find in medical definitions with the word “use”—because “need” implies an inability to do ­those tasks if you struggle with EF. But with the proper tools to assist me, I am, indeed, able to do them. For example, with alarms on my phone and a good calendar system, I can stay ­organized (and keep my family organized as well).

As a neurodivergent parent, it is easy to feel ashamed when you veer off the mythic “perfect path” of parenting, leaving your household feeling chaotic and disorganized. Newsflash: There is no perfect path. There is only yours. Understanding how executive functioning works and how to manage it can help tremendously.

Here are some strategies that can help you do so, and hopefully decrease the chaos around you.

1. Pick One Habit

Choose one simple routine, just one, to make your day easier. For example, try picking out your clothes the night before. You will have one less task in the morning crunch time, and already your day is flowing more smoothly.

2. Don't Keep Everything in Your Brain

Develop a system to assist your executive functioning. Shared family calendars and to-do lists, for example. A prepared list of support people to call in case a kid or pet needs a ride and you’re running late. Shift the load from your brain to an outside device that works for you, whether paper or digital.

3. Decrease the Chaos of Transitions

Neurodivergent people often struggle with transitions from one activity to another. Transitioning too quickly can cause executive dysfunction and even meltdowns. When you come home from work or another activity, set a timer for ten minutes and take a break. Lie down, or take a walk, and give yourself a chance to reset.

4. Simplify Decisions

“Decisional energy” is the amount of energy that every decision we make takes from us. In a busy household or workplace, you might make hundreds of decisions every day. Decrease the number of decisions you need to make each day by giving yourself (and those around you) fewer choices.

That means simplify menus. Simplify activities. No, your kids don’t need to do all of those activities to be happy and successful (but that’s another conversation). Simplify your wardrobe. Simplify your grocery list. (Do you really need that many types of cereal?)

Remember that you are not a failure, and you have nothing to be ashamed of. Treating yourself with kindness is the most important step of this process.