Happiness
Why Healing the Past May Not Make You Happy
It’s not your past that’s hurting you—it’s what you focus on now.
Updated May 19, 2025 Reviewed by Margaret Foley
Key points
- Emotional pain isn't from the past—it’s caused by what you focus on in the present.
- You can train your attention to shift away from pain and toward what you truly want.
- Mastering your focus is the key to emotional freedom and lasting happiness.
Many people believe that in order to feel happy, they need to heal the past. It’s a logical assumption. If something hurt you once, it’s easy to think that the pain needs to be resolved before you can move on.
But what if that isn’t entirely true?
We can only feel emotions—good or bad—in the present moment. What you’re feeling right now isn’t being caused by the past. It’s being caused by what you’re focusing on right now.
The Power of Attention
Over a century ago, psychologist William James wrote, “My experience is what I agree to attend to” [1]. Neuroscience has since confirmed this insight. Your emotional state is directly tied to where your attention goes [2].
This means that nothing has the power to emotionally hurt you unless you're focusing on it.
That doesn’t mean painful things didn’t happen. It means your brain isn’t re-experiencing those events unless you're directing your attention back to them.
Why You Get Pulled Into Painful Thoughts
The human brain is wired to pay attention to potential threats. Even if you're not consciously trying to revisit an old wound, a negative memory or intrusive worry can hijack your focus without permission.
When that happens, you don’t just remember the event—you relive the emotion.
People often assume this is just how their mind works. But once you become aware that you're focusing on something that’s causing pain, you regain the power to choose differently.
Attention Is Not Passive—It’s a Skill
Here’s the good news: Attention can be trained. Like a muscle, the more you practice directing it intentionally, the stronger it gets.
Cognitive science explains that attention works on an activation-inhibition model. Focusing on one thing (such as a moment of gratitude) automatically suppresses competing negative inputs [3]. It's why gratitude journaling can quickly shift your emotional state—your brain literally can’t dwell on what’s going wrong while it’s engaged in what’s going right.
A Quick Way to Shift Emotional Focus
When you’re feeling emotionally off, use this simple exercise:
1. Notice the Emotion. If you feel anxious, angry, or sad, ask: What am I focusing on right now?
2. Identify the Category. Almost everything you feel falls into two categories:
- Things you want: love, friends, success
- Things you don’t want: enemies, lack of money, arguments with loved ones
3. Redirect. Once you recognize you're focused on something you don’t want, shift attention toward what you do. Think of a goal, a memory that makes you smile, or something you're grateful for.
This isn’t avoidance—it’s selective attention. Research shows that learning how to shift attention away from distressing thoughts is one of the most effective strategies for managing emotional well-being [4, 5].
The Hidden Cost of Focusing on Negative Futures
Ruminating about past pain is one trap. But worrying about a painful future is another.
Anxiety lives in the future. It feeds off imagined worst-case scenarios. And although those events haven’t happened, your brain reacts as if they’re already real.
When you habitually focus on unwanted outcomes, it doesn’t just impact how you feel—it affects how you behave. It makes you less hopeful, less motivated, and less likely to take action toward positive change.
NYU neuroscientist Joseph LeDoux notes that attentional control isn’t just a coping skill—it’s a key to emotional regulation and long-term psychological resilience [4].
Attention Is Your Greatest Asset
You can’t always control what happens in life. But you can control what you focus on. And that one decision influences everything else.
Think of attention as the steering wheel of your emotional life. Where you direct it determines what kind of ride you’re going to have. If you constantly focus on what’s missing or what might go wrong, your emotional experience will reflect that. But if you practice placing your focus on what you want, what’s good, and what’s possible, your life will begin to move in that direction.
This isn’t about pretending everything’s fine. It’s about reclaiming your power to decide what takes up space in your mind.
You don’t need to heal every past wound to feel better. You just need to stop giving it your attention.
If you'd like more tools for improving your life by focusing on the future instead of the past, check out my book, Think Forward to Thrive: How to Use The Mind's Power of Anticipation to Transcend Your Past and Transform Your Life.
Facebook image: Sandor Mejias B/Shutterstock
References
1. James, W. (1890). The Principles of Psychology.
2. Vago, D. R., & Silbersweig, D. A. (2012). Self-awareness, self-regulation, and self-transcendence (S-ART): A framework for understanding the neurobiological mechanisms of mindfulness. Frontiers in Human Neuroscience, 6, 296.
3. Desimone, R., & Duncan, J. (1995). Neural mechanisms of selective visual attention. Annual Review of Neuroscience, 18(1), 193-222.
4. LeDoux, J. E., & Pine, D. S. (2016). Using neuroscience to help understand fear and anxiety: A two-system framework. American Journal of Psychiatry, 173(11), 1083–1093.
5. Wells, A. (2013). Cognitive Therapy of Anxiety Disorders: A Practice Manual and Conceptual Guide. Wiley.
