Parenting
3 Ways Parents Wreck Their Children's Confidence
Rescuing, overcorrecting, and pushing can teach kids to doubt themselves.
Updated October 1, 2026 Reviewed by Margaret Foley
Key points
- Rescuing kids too quickly undermines their ability to discover what they can handle.
- Dismissing children's feelings teaches them to mistrust their own emotional responses.
- Constantly pushing improvement can leave children feeling scrutinized and evaluated.
As a child and family psychologist, I see how most parents want their children to feel capable, secure, and ready for life. Yet, some of the things we do out of love send an unintended message. That message is: "You can't handle this" or "You're wrong to feel that way." Yet another problematic message is: "You are only good enough when you succeed." Having spent thousands of hours listening to struggling adult children and their parents, I hear how painful these messages are and the long-term negative impacts they cause.
A Long History of Emotional Pain
In my work with children, teens, and adults, I have seen how deeply those messages can land and burrow into a child's belief system. Adult children sometimes describe parents who cared intensely ("Yeah, I know they love me, but they don't get who I really am"). Specifically, many adult children look back on their childhoods and, while describing parents who cared intensely, they say there was little room for mistakes, uncomfortable feelings, or independent decisions.
I'm not saying these accounts explain every struggle, so please don't think, "Here goes Dr. Jeff blaming parents for everything," because that is not the case. Temperament, peers, and life experiences matter too. But our everyday response as parents is a huge place to make a difference. Below are three patterns to watch for, and what to do instead.
1. You Rescue Them Before They Discover What They Can Handle
While researching my recent book, The Rescue Trap: How Well-Meaning Parents Keep Their Adult Children Stuck, I reflected a lot on parents who quickly step in, smooth things over, and reflexively solve their kids' problems. It may have started with a forgotten assignment, struggles with friendship, or even feeling nervous about speaking to someone. Yes, sometimes parent intervention is necessary. But when rescue becomes the default, children lose opportunities to experience something essential: "This was hard, and I handled it." Or, let's not forget that "This did not work out the way I would have liked, but I will learn from it" provides lots of value too.
What I am saying is that repeated rescuing can make your confidence in them harder to see than your concern. As I say to a lot of parents I coach, there is a difference between carrying your kid (at any age) and caring for them. So, how about offering support without immediately taking over? You could say something like, "That sounds uncomfortable. What do you think your first step could be?" For a younger child, maybe you could practice saying those words together. Whereas for a teen, you could guide them in weighing their options. The goal here is to provide enough support for them to take the next step themselves while also letting them learn through trial and error.
2. You Turn Their Feelings Into Something They Need to Defend
Saying, "You're being too sensitive" or "You have nothing to worry about," or the biggest offender, "You shouldn't feel that way," may be a parent's attempt to provide reassurance. But children, teens, and adult children often hear, "My reactions aren't acceptable, and I cannot trust myself." Keep in mind that confidence includes learning to understand your feelings without letting them rule you. That becomes challenging when every uncomfortable emotion leads to a debate or an argument.
I have written a good deal about how overthinking is laden with cycles of second-guessing, where it is harder for kids to move forward. A parent can offer a place to pause and find a next workable step. For example, the parent could say, "I could see why that was really upsetting. Let's look at what happened and if there are some other ways to understand it and learn from it." This means you can validate painful emotions like disappointment without agreeing that the world is against your child. Similarly, you can empathize with their anxiety without treating every new situation as dangerous.
3. You Make Improvement the Loudest Message of the Relationship
It is really tough for many parents when they notice missed test questions, slipping grades, a messy room, or a response that isn't fully honest. Each correction you encourage seems reasonable as you trumpet the message, "All I want to see is that you try your best." By the way, I will confess that I have not always tried my best. Have you always tried your best? Let's not dismiss the value of strong effort, but what if your child feels constantly scrutinized and evaluated?
When praise is quickly followed by "but," your child's brain stores the accomplishment as a reminder of what's still "wrong." Some children may push themselves harder and chase perfection, while others stop studying and shut down. How about saying more things like: "I like how you stayed with that even when you were frustrated" or "I know you are disappointed, but I appreciate how you took responsibility."
The Takeaway
Children of all ages need guidance and boundaries to help them make solid choices. They also need room to struggle, grapple with feelings, and learn without feeling like their worth is being put on trial. The next time you feel compelled to step in, slow down, pause, and ask: "Will what I do help my child trust their own ability, or will it make them more likely to rely on my help?"
