Overthinking Is Rewiring Parents to Fear Adult Children

Most parents who reach out for coaching say they can't recall the moment(s) when it began. I'm talking about when they started pausing, maybe several times, before responding to their adult child's texts. Or, those parents softening their opinions (or straight-up twisting them) so as not to spark reactivity in their adult children. Or, they bite their tongues altogether and avoid certain topics.

These parents confide that they aren't afraid of their adult children per se, but they are afraid of the daunting challenge of having calm, constructive conversations with them.

Overthinking Slowly Rewires the Parental Nervous System

How can parents not have memories of swaddling and nurturing their adult children as infants, toddlers, and young kids? How the heck did things go from all that affection and awe to the current strain and emotional pain? Over years of disconnects, unresolved conflicts, and consequent hidden anxieties, parents' love for their adult children, which was associated with connection, now becomes cautious.

The overthinking patterns I am referring to can best be illustrated with a few examples from my coaching practice (names changed here). Carol is a mom of a 20-year-old son whom she is afraid to text because she feels judged for whatever she writes. Tom tried to provide some helpful advice to his son, Josh, but now Josh is not responding at all. Renee, whose daughter is struggling with anxiety and addiction, shares with me, "I just don't feel safe with my daughter anymore because all I seem to do is upset her."

Overthinking Pushes Parents Toward Avoidance

As I describe in my book Freeing Your Child From Overthinking, the goal of most rewarding conversations is to deepen mutual understanding. But when honesty goes out the window in favor of repeated text edits, parents stop trusting their instincts and instead start trusting their fear. We all know that when fear works itself into relationships, they go south.

This is because your adult child senses your fear and sees a "Kick Me" sign on your chest. These adult children have subconsciously realized they wield power over their parents. They know there is a short list of people (their parents have the exalted status of being at the top of the list) whom they can treat like crap and get away with it. So the parents then avoid more external communication in favor of more internal overthinking and second-guessing.

The Counterintuitive Path to Healthier Relationships With Adult Children

When parents try to preserve closeness by swallowing huge pieces of humble pie, they not only choke on their fading pride but also preserve their adult child's fragility. Healthy relationships are not built on emotional cushioning that bounces you away from self-respect, honesty, and boundaries. No, healthy relationships come from keeping it real and knowing your value.

Through my parent coaching experiences, I have seen relationships transform when parents put aside overthinking and reclaim their value. This occurs when parents once again trust their thoughts and feelings. Adult children gain respect for their parents who hold boundaries without apologies. Parents who listen without panicking radiate a steadiness that their adult children pick up on. Even if these adult children don't immediately appear to like their parents' grounded steadiness, they inwardly respect it and, in time, show that respect.

Final Thoughts

Self-trust rewires what overthinking takes away from you when it comes to connecting with your adult child. The way to emotionally reconnect with your adult child is not to choose the safest words, but to express, with self-respect and respect for your child, that you know your own value. And, sooner rather than later, you will feel more valued, too.