3 Ways to Help Kids Who Bottle Up Their Feelings

Not all emotional struggles are loud.

As a child psychologist and parent coach, I’ve worked with countless children and teens who aren’t outwardly defiant, disruptive, or demanding. They don’t have dramatic meltdowns or tantrums. They often look like they’re doing just fine.

But they’re not.

These are the kids I call Hold-In Kids—children who seem OK on the outside but are silently battling anxiety, sadness, shame, or self-doubt on the inside. Over the years, I’ve watched how easily they can fly under the radar, missing out on the emotional support they desperately need.

I'd like to introduce you to a few of them. (Names and details have been changed to protect the privacy of the children and families I’ve worked with.)

• Liam, 7, is the teacher’s dream—sweet, compliant, and never disruptive. But every morning, he clutches his stomach before school. He’s terrified of making mistakes but too afraid to say it aloud.
• Sonya, 10, is responsible and kind. Adults admire her maturity. But every night, she replays the day in her mind, worried that she disappointed someone.
• Noah, 14, rarely speaks up in class or at home. His grades are slipping, but he says he’s “fine.” He doesn’t say that he feels like he’s falling behind in life and doesn’t know how to ask for help.
• Jasmine, 17, is the dependable older sibling and straight-A student. Everyone leans on her. They don’t see that she’s emotionally exhausted and scared to show weakness.

What’s dangerous about holding it all in is the bottle-it-up-and-explode (or implode) later plan. These kids seem composed, but inside, they’re building pressure like a shaken soda can. Eventually, those emotions have to go somewhere—whether it’s anxiety, depression, physical symptoms, angry outbursts, or complete shutdowns.

As the author of 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child, I’ve coached many parents who were blindsided by their child’s sudden emotional explosion or quiet collapse. In almost every case, the signs were there—they were just subtle. With the right approach, you can help your child feel seen, safe, and supported before that internal pressure boils over.

1. Tune into the quiet clues.

Hold-in kids won’t always say they’re struggling, but their behavior will whisper it. Look for:

• Perfectionism or fear of making mistakes
• Frequent physical complaints like headaches or stomachaches
• Emotional withdrawal, disengagement, or irritability
• Excessive apologizing or intense fear of disappointing others

These patterns are often missed because they can seem like your child is just being "good" or "sensitive."

2. Invite openness—don’t demand it.

You don’t need to pry. The key is creating a consistent, safe space where emotional expression feels possible—even if it starts small.

Try saying:

• “What felt hard today?”
• “You don’t have to talk now, but I’m here when you’re ready.”
• “I keep things in sometimes, too. It helps just knowing someone’s there.”

Silence doesn't mean your child isn’t listening—it often means they’re deciding whether it’s truly safe to speak.

3. Normalize emotions—especially the tough ones.

Let your child know that big feelings don’t make them bad or weak—they make them human.

• “I felt nervous today before that meeting—I had to take some deep breaths.”
• “It’s OK to feel overwhelmed. We all do sometimes.”
• “You don’t have to carry everything by yourself.”

Modeling emotional honesty teaches kids that vulnerability isn’t dangerous—it’s part of connection.

Final Thought

The child who bottles it up isn’t looking for attention—they’re quietly hoping for connection. By tuning in with presence, patience, and empathy, you help your child learn that their feelings are safe with you—and that they no longer have to hold it all alone.

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