The Worst Thing to Say to a Struggling Adult Child

The phrase "You need to grow up" is one of the most toxic things you can say to an adult child trying to find their way. As a parent coach, I have seen this phrase as a killer punch of shame that silences their struggles and makes them feel small.

Here's why those five words are so damaging—and what you should say instead.

Why It’s Shaming and Damaging

• It dismisses their pain. Telling someone to "grow up" implies their challenges are childish or unworthy of attention. Mark, 28, battling depression while trying to get his life together, doesn’t need to be told to "grow up." He needs understanding. When you brush off his pain with that phrase, you invalidate his entire struggle.
• It makes them feel like a failure. When you're already doubting yourself, hearing "You need to grow up" can ultimately confirm inadequacy. Natalie, 25, is working part-time while juggling school, and it already feels like she's falling behind. This comment just reinforces the idea that she’s not good enough.
• It puts the pressure on too much. "Grow up" implies that the person isn’t doing enough. For someone like Thomas, 30, fighting job insecurity, this can feel like an overwhelming expectation that he’s nowhere near meeting. It might push him to retreat even more, digging himself deeper into self-doubt.

What You Should Say Instead

• "How can I help?" This opens up a conversation without judgment. It's not about telling them what to do but offering support. It shows you're there for them, no matter what.
• "I believe in you, even when it's tough." Skip the criticism. Instead, focus on their potential. Giving them the space to talk shows empathy, not judgment. It also reinforces your trust that they can get through this, even when struggling.
• "Everyone moves at their own pace. You’re doing just fine." The world moves fast, but not everyone has the same timeline. Remind them that their journey is unique, and they’re doing better than they think.
• "Want to talk about what’s going on?" As I explain in my book 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child, sometimes, what children need most is a listener. Giving them the space to talk shows empathy, not judgment.
• "You’ve got this. Take your time." Please encourage them to be kind to themselves. The pressure to “grow up” is overwhelming, but reassurance that it's OK to take things at their own pace can be a lifeline.

The Bottom Line

Words matter. The phrase "You need to grow up" might feel like an attempt at tough love, but it crushes confidence, deepens shame, and isolates the person even more. Instead of pushing them to "grow up," offer understanding, patience, and support. It’s the kind of love that helps them rise, not fall.

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