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Key points
- You can encourage your grown child to step up and take responsibility with the right approach.
- Treat your child as an adult by shifting from demands to collaboration.
- By engaging in adult-to-adult dialogue, you signal that they are responsible for their future.
As a parent coach, I hear this dilemma often: “My adult child won’t get a job, and I don’t know what to do.” Parents feel torn between wanting to help and fearing they’re enabling laziness or entitlement. If you’re facing this challenge, you’re not alone. The good news: You don’t have to stay trapped in endless frustration. You can encourage your child to step up and take responsibility with the right approach.
Following are three innovative strategies for helping your adult child move forward without destroying your relationship or bank account.
1. Set Clear (and Firm) Financial Boundaries
It’s easy to slip into a pattern of financial rescue, but constant handouts can reinforce the behavior you want to change. If your child has no real consequences for not working, why would they be motivated to start?
Start by evaluating how much financial support you’re providing. Are you paying for their phone, car, or rent? If so, it’s time to establish clear expectations. Let them know that as an adult, they need to contribute financially to their own life. You don’t have to cut them off overnight, but you do need to set limits.
Try saying, "We love you and want to see you succeed. We believe in you. So, starting next month, we’ll no longer cover your phone bill. We know you’re capable of figuring this out.”
This approach sends a powerful message: You believe in their ability to be self-sufficient.
2. Shift the Dynamic from Parent-Child to Adult-Adult
If your conversations about employment sound like lectures, it’s time to change the tone. Treat your child as an adult by shifting from demands to collaboration. Instead of saying, “You need to get a job,” try, “How will you feel better by planning to support yourself?”
Ask open-ended questions that encourage problem-solving. For example:
- “What kind of job would you be willing to try first?”
- “What’s holding you back from applying?”
- “How can we support you in taking that next step?”
By engaging in adult-to-adult dialogue, you signal that they are responsible for their future—and that you trust them to make decisions accordingly.
3. Require Contribution at Home
If your adult child is living under your roof and refusing to seek work, requiring some form of contribution is essential. Sitting on their phone all day while you pay the bills is not an option.
Set a clear expectation that all adults in the household contribute meaningfully. If they’re not working outside the home, they must actively job hunt or take on household responsibilities like cooking, cleaning, or yard work.
You might say: “Since you’re not working right now, we need you to take on meal prep three nights a week and handle the grocery shopping. You owe it to yourself to contribute, and you will also feel good knowing you have helped."
This does two things: It prevents resentment from building and reinforces that adulthood comes with responsibility.
Final Thoughts
Watching an adult child struggle, or refuse to take action, can be incredibly frustrating. But by setting clear financial boundaries, shifting your conversations to an adult level, and requiring contribution at home, you create an environment in which responsibility is expected, not avoided.
Remember: Your goal isn’t to push them into a job but to help them realize their capability. With the right approach, you can motivate them to take charge of their lives while maintaining a healthy relationship.
