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Key points
- Children (and adults) often escalate their emotions when they feel like no one is listening.
- People resist control, especially when they’re overwhelmed.
- Validating their feelings prevents that.
Anger is one of the most complex emotions for children to manage. For a parent, it can be equally challenging to handle a child in the grip of frustration or fury. Whether it’s a toddler throwing a toy, a grade-schooler stomping away, a teen rolling their eyes, or an adult child blaming you for past mistakes, how we respond in those tense moments can escalate a conflict or bring calm.
The good news? Based on my parent coaching experiences, here’s a simple phrase that works wonders for defusing a child’s anger at any age: "I see you're upset right now. I'm here for you."
This phrase may seem simple, but it carries profound psychological power. It does three things at once: It acknowledges their feelings, reassures them that they’re not alone, and creates space to calm down without feeling judged.
Why This Phrase Works
It Validates Their Feelings. As I explain in my book 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child, when a child—whether 5 or 25—is angry, they often feel misunderstood, ignored, or powerless. Saying, "I see you're upset," shows them that their emotions matter. Children (and adults) often escalate their emotions when they feel like no one is listening. Validating their feelings prevents that.
It Provides Reassurance Instead of Resistance. Instead of jumping into correction mode—saying things like "Calm down!" or "Stop overreacting!"—this phrase assures them that you’re there for them. Anger often masks underlying feelings of fear, sadness, or frustration.
It Invites Connection Instead of Control. People resist control, especially when they’re overwhelmed. Telling them what to do in their angriest moments can make them dig in their heels. By simply offering your presence and support, you shift the dynamic from a power struggle to an opportunity for connection.
Examples in Action
For a Toddler: Lena, 3, screams and throws her toy when she’s told it’s time to leave the playground. Instead of saying, “Stop that right now!” her parent kneels and says, “I see you’re upset right now. I’m here for you.” Lena still cries but clings to her parent instead of kicking, slowly settling down.
For a School-Age Child: Micah, 8, slams his homework shut and shouts, “This is stupid! I hate math!” Instead of saying, “Don’t talk like that!” his mom sits beside him and says, “I see you're upset right now. I’m here for you.” He sighs heavily, but after a moment, he says, “It’s just so hard.” Now, his mom can help problem-solve.
For a Teen: Sienna, 15, storms into the house, throwing her backpack down and muttering, “I can’t stand my teacher!” Instead of responding with “Watch your attitude,” her dad says, “I see you’re upset right now. I’m here for you.” Sienna rolls her eyes but doesn’t escalate. Later, she opens up about how she feels unfairly treated.
For an Adult Child: Jared, 28, calls his mom, venting, “You never supported me the way you should have when I was younger!” His mom’s first instinct is to defend herself, but instead, she takes a deep breath and says, “I see you’re upset right now. I’m here for you.” Jared doesn’t immediately calm down, but her response diffuses his rage. Later, he opens up about feeling pressure to succeed and how old wounds are resurfacing. The conversation shifts from attack mode to understanding.
Tips for Using This Phrase Effectively
- Stay Calm Yourself. Your tone matters. Say it with warmth, not frustration.
- Use Gentle Body Language. Kneel for younger kids and give space to teens or adults if needed.
- Give Them Time. They may not respond immediately, but your words will register.
- Follow Up When They’re Ready. Help them process their emotions and find solutions after they cool down.
Final Thoughts
This one phrase won’t magically erase every meltdown or angry moment, but it creates the foundation for trust, emotional regulation, and connection. Over time, your child—no matter their age—will learn that you are a safe place even in their worst moments. And that can make all the difference.
Facebook image: Prostock-studio/Shutterstock
References
Hajal, N. J., & Paley, B. (2020). Parental emotion and emotion regulation: A critical target of study for research and intervention to promote child emotion socialization. Developmental Psychology, 56(3), 403–417. https://doi.org/10.1037/dev0000864
Lee, A. H., DiGiuseppe, R. (2018). Anger and aggression treatments: a review of meta-analyses, Current Opinion in Psychology, Volume 19, Pages 65-74, ISSN 2352-250X, https://doi.org/10.1016/j.copsyc.2017.04.004.
(https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S2352250X17300520)
