3 Truths That Still Shock Me After 33 Years as a Therapist

After 33 years of seeing an average of 25 counseling clients per week—with about four weeks of vacation a year—I have logged approximately 39,600 clinical hours of therapy sessions. To be clear, I know less now than when I left graduate school to begin my career. That's because the more I learn, the more I realize there is to learn.

Nevertheless, I have uncovered three crucial truths from my time and experiences as a counseling psychologist.

1. People Crave Understanding More Than Solutions

Early in my career, I thought my job was to help people “fix” their problems. With time, I learned something far more powerful: People don’t need instant solutions as much as they need to feel deeply understood.

I’ve had countless clients tell me, “No one has ever really listened to me.” It’s heartbreaking, yet it happens again and again. More than advice, people seek connection, validation, and the safety of knowing their emotions are real and matter.

Tip: Instead of rushing to solve a loved one’s problems, try saying, “That sounds hard. Tell me more.” Simply being present is often the greatest gift you can give.

2. The Past Is Never Truly in the Past

People often tell themselves, That was years ago. I should be over it by now. But the truth is, unresolved wounds don’t just disappear with time. They linger beneath the surface, shaping how we see ourselves, trust others, and react in relationships.

A client once told me she couldn’t understand why she panicked when her husband got quiet during an argument. Through our work together, she realized it wasn’t just about him; it was about growing up with a father who withdrew his love as punishment.

Our past writes scripts we unknowingly follow. The good news is that, with awareness and courage, we can rewrite them.

Tip: Pay attention to emotional overreactions—when your response to a situation feels more significant than the moment itself. Ask yourself: Is this reminding me of something more profound? Naming the connection is the first step toward healing.

3. Self-Compassion Changes Everything

Most people are far kinder to others than they are to themselves. Over three decades, I’ve watched people punish themselves with cruel self-talk, thinking it will push them toward growth. But here’s the irony: Self-criticism paralyzes while self-compassion heals.

Imagine a friend struggling the way you are now—would you speak to them how you speak to yourself? Probably not. Real change begins when people shift their inner dialogue from What’s wrong with me? to I’m doing the best I can.

Tip: Practice self-compassion by catching negative self-talk and replacing it with a gentler voice. Instead of thinking, I’m such a failure, try thinking, I’m learning, and I’m allowed to struggle. Your inner world shapes your outer one—make it a kinder place.

Final Thoughts

After 33 years, I can say this with certainty: People need understanding more than advice, the past never stays buried, and self-compassion is the key to real change. If you take one thing from my experience, let it be this: You are never as alone as you think, and healing is always possible.

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