Why Your Grown Child Disrespects You, and How to Fix It

Children naturally carve out their identities as they grow into adults—developing distinct opinions, boundaries, and lifestyles. What some parents interpret as defiance—such as rejecting advice, limiting visits, or making choices that diverge from family traditions—may be a sign of independence, not disrespect.

Before jumping to conclusions, ask yourself if your child is:

• Seeking privacy
• Expressing their own beliefs
• Parenting differently than you did
• Setting limits on family time

However, there’s a difference between asserting independence and being genuinely disrespectful. Some behaviors cross the line, including:

• Verbal insults or name-calling
• Destroying property or stealing
• Gaslighting or guilt-tripping
• Repeatedly violating boundaries
• Physical aggression

As a parent coach, I encourage parents to recognize the distinction between autonomy and mistreatment as the first step toward a healthier relationship.

Why Do Adult Children Act Disrespectfully?

In 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child, I explore how seemingly hurtful behavior from grown children often stems from deeper issues. If your adult child is acting distant, defensive, or even hostile, it could be due to one (or more) of these six reasons:

1. Unresolved Childhood Pain

As adults reflect on their upbringing, past wounds can resurface. If they feel unheard, controlled, or criticized, they may create distance or act cold as a form of self-protection.

Scenario: Julia, 29, rarely returns her mother Denise’s calls. When she does, she’s curt and detached. Denise feels rejected, but Julia still has resentment from their childhood when she felt dismissed and unheard.

2. Feeling Judged or Criticized

No one wants to feel like they’re being measured against an impossible standard. If conversations with parents often include judgment or unsolicited advice, adult children may withdraw or lash out.

Scenario: Mateo, 32, tenses up whenever his father, Carlos, asks about his job. To Mateo, it feels like a passive-aggressive dig that he’s not “successful enough,” so he responds irritably.

3. Power Struggles Over Control

Highly authoritative parents may struggle when their children push back as adults. Attempts to exert control—whether through finances, lifestyle choices, or major decisions—can lead to resistance or estrangement.

Scenario: Sophia, 27, resents that her father still tries to dictate her financial choices. When he offers to pay some of her bills to help her out but critiques her spending, she snaps, “I didn’t ask for your help!”

4. Stress and Mental Health Struggles

Not every cold shoulder or ignored text is about you. Stress, anxiety, depression, and burnout can make adult children seem distant or irritable.

Scenario: Jonah, 35, hasn’t responded to his mother’s messages. She assumes he doesn’t care, but in reality, he’s drowning in work stress and struggling with depression.

5. Changing Life Priorities

As your child builds a career, relationship, and possibly a family, their time and emotional bandwidth shift. What feels like neglect to a parent may be the reality of an evolving life.

Scenario: Alyssa, 31, juggles a demanding job and two kids. When her mother sighs, “You never call me anymore,” Alyssa feels guilty—but also frustrated, as she’s already stretched thin.

6. Addiction or Destructive Behavior

In some cases, ongoing substance abuse or harmful patterns can escalate into manipulation, disrespect, or even financial exploitation.

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Scenario: Brian, 40, constantly asks his mother for money. When she refuses, he lashes out, blaming her for his struggles.

How to Repair the Relationship

If your relationship with your adult child feels strained, here are some steps to rebuild trust and respect:

1. Communicate Without Defensiveness

Instead of jumping to blame, approach them with curiosity and empathy:

• Use “I” statements: “I feel hurt when you don’t respond to my messages.”
• Avoid accusations: “I’d like to understand your perspective.”
• Listen without rushing to correct or defend yourself.

2. Reflect on Your Actions

Ask yourself honestly: Have I been critical, intrusive, or dismissive of their feelings? Seeking insight from a therapist or trusted friend can provide valuable perspective.

3. Apologize if Necessary

If your child has shared past hurt, acknowledge it—without downplaying or justifying it. A sincere, simple apology can be a decisive step toward healing.

4. Set Healthy Boundaries

Respect goes both ways. If their behavior is toxic or harmful, set clear and firm limits:

• “If you yell at me, I’ll end the conversation because I know you're better than how you are speaking.”
• “I love you but won’t give you money because that is unhealthy for both of us.”
• “I won’t engage in conversations where I’m insulted. Wouldn't a calm, constructive conversation be better for both of us?"

Final Thought

By recognizing the root causes of conflict and adjusting your communication, you can work toward a more respectful and connected relationship.

To find a therapist, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.