3 Words That Drive Your Partner Away and What to Say Instead

In my years as a relationship therapist, I’ve noticed a pattern in the words couples use during conflict or even casual conversations. Some seemingly innocuous words can erode trust, connection, and love over time. Three stand out as the most damaging: “You always,” “You never,” and “Whatever.”

These words can sneak into a relationship unnoticed, but their impact is profound. They signal blame, dismissal, and emotional shutdown, pushing your partner further away each time they’re uttered. Let’s explain why these words are harmful and what to say instead.

1. “You Always”

When Janine and Marco came into my office, they were stuck in a cycle of arguments. Janine would say, “You always prioritize work over me,” and Marco would shut down. “You always” turned every conversation into a blame game, leaving Marco feeling attacked and defensive.

The problem with “You always” is its sweeping generalization. It exaggerates the issue and leaves no room for nuance. Your partner hears it as an indictment of their character rather than a critique of a specific behavior.

Tip: Replace “You always” with “I feel.” For example, instead of “You always ignore me,” try “I feel hurt when it seems like work takes priority over our time together.” This shift invites dialogue rather than defensiveness.

2. “You Never”

Like “You always,” the phrase “You never” creates a wall between partners. When Ravi told his girlfriend, Lena, “You never appreciate the things I do,” she felt devalued and misunderstood. It wasn’t that Lena didn’t appreciate him; she just expressed it differently than Ravi expected.

“You never” invalidates the efforts your partner may be making and overlooks the positives in your relationship. It’s a statement that breeds resentment and shuts down growth opportunities.

Tip: Focus on specific moments. Instead of “You never show affection,” say, “I’d love it if you could hold my hand more when we’re out together.” Being specific about what you need creates clarity and reduces tension.

3. “Whatever”

One of the most dismissive words in a relationship, “Whatever,” signals indifference and emotional disengagement. During a session with Carla and Theo, I noticed how often Carla would end arguments with “Whatever.” To her, it was a way of avoiding further conflict, but to Theo, it felt like she didn’t care.

“Whatever” is a shortcut to emotional shutdown. It communicates that the conversation—and the relationship—doesn’t matter enough to engage with. Over time, this word can chip away at your partner’s sense of value.

Tip: Instead of “Whatever,” try expressing your feelings honestly. If you’re overwhelmed, say, “I need a moment to process this before we keep talking.” This approach respects your partner while also honoring your need for space.

The Bigger Picture

Words have power, especially in intimate relationships. The way we communicate can either build bridges or create barriers. By replacing “You always,” “You never,” and “Whatever” with more thoughtful language, you create opportunities for connection and understanding.

Remember, intimacy thrives on vulnerability and mutual respect. If you catch yourself using one of these phrases, don’t panic. Acknowledge it, apologize, and reframe your words. Growth in a relationship is a journey, not a destination.

So, the next time you’re tempted to say, “You never listen to me,” pause and ask yourself: How can I express my feelings in a way that brings us closer instead of driving us apart?

Trust me, your relationship will thank you.