Shattered Trust: 3 Steps to Rebuild It After an Affair

As a relationship therapist, I’ve sat across from countless clients devastated by infidelity. I’ve witnessed the trembling hands of someone clutching a tear-soaked tissue and the hollow stares of those who can barely articulate their pain. The stories may differ, but the anguish is heartbreakingly similar: betrayal, rage, shame, and a profound loss of trust in the person they once felt safest with.

An affair is one of the most gut-wrenching betrayals a person can face, leaving emotional wreckage in its wake. But even in the aftermath of such devastation, healing is possible. I’ve seen clients rise from their darkest moments, stronger and more self-assured than they ever thought possible. Here are three transformative ways to rebuild your life—and perhaps even your relationship—after infidelity.

1. Stop Blaming Yourself: Reclaim Your Self-Worth

Cheating often triggers a barrage of questions: What did I do wrong? Was I not enough? These thoughts are natural but rarely reflect the truth. Infidelity is a choice your partner made, and it speaks more about their struggles than your shortcomings.

Example: Sophia contacted me after discovering her husband, Greg, had been unfaithful. She had fallen into a spiral of self-blame. She dissected every disagreement they’d ever had, convinced she wasn’t "fun" or "sexy" enough. In therapy, Sophia learned to shift the narrative. Instead of asking, "What’s wrong with me?" she asked, "What led Greg to make this choice?" This reframing helped her see that his actions were rooted in his insecurities, not her inadequacies.

Tip: Write down affirmations or reminders of your strengths and positive qualities. Surround yourself with friends or a therapist who reinforces your values. Healing begins with reclaiming your self-worth.

2. Create Boundaries: Rebuild Trust Gradually

If you’ve chosen to stay in the relationship, rebuilding trust is essential—but it doesn’t happen overnight. Boundaries are your best tool for protecting your emotions and fostering accountability.

Example: When Marcus admitted his affair, Maya was furious but wanted to work things out. She set clear boundaries: Marcus needed to cut off all contact with the other person, share his phone and email passwords, and attend the couple’s therapy. At first, Marcus resisted, claiming Maya was being controlled. But over time, he saw these boundaries as necessary steps to regain her trust.

Tip: Boundaries aren’t about punishing your partner; they’re about creating a safe space for healing. Be clear about what you need to feel secure, and don’t compromise your emotional health to maintain the relationship.

3. Prioritize Your Healing: Rediscover Yourself

An affair can leave you feeling lost, but it’s also an opportunity to reconnect with yourself. What passions, hobbies, or dreams have you put on hold? Healing is not just about mending the relationship—it’s about becoming whole again.

Example: After learning about her boyfriend Eric’s infidelity, Lila was crushed. She couldn’t eat, sleep, or think about anything else for months. Then, she decided to try pottery—a hobby she’d loved in college but abandoned after starting her career. The creative process became her therapy, and as Lila shaped clay into beautiful forms, she began to reshape her life.

Tip: List activities that bring you joy or fulfillment and commit to integrating them into your routine. Healing happens when you invest in yourself, even in small ways.

Final Thoughts

Healing from an affair isn’t linear, and there’s no single path to recovery. Some couples emerge stronger, while others find peace in parting ways. Regardless of your decision, focus on regaining trust—not just in your partner, but in yourself and your ability to navigate life’s challenges.

Betrayal is devastating, but it doesn’t have to define you. With courage, boundaries, and self-compassion, you can transform heartbreak into resilience and rediscover your strength.