How Well Do You Know Your Adult Child?: 3 Eye-Opening Signs

Every parent faces the question at some point: Do I truly know my adult child? The transition from childhood to adulthood can feel like watching your child become a stranger, someone you can no longer fully protect or control.

As Otto Frank, Anne Frank's father, once said, "For me, it was a revelation. A completely different Anne was revealed to the child I had lost there. I had no idea of the depths of her thoughts and feelings."

I felt deeply moved reading this poignant reflection while I was at the Anne Frank House Museum in Amsterdam. Otto Frank's quote offers insight into how, despite our best efforts, we may never fully understand the inner workings of our children—especially as they grow into adults and carve their paths.

Here are three ways to gauge whether you genuinely know your adult child and some tips for navigating this ever-changing relationship.

1. Do They Share Their Deepest Thoughts and Feelings With You?

A key indicator of whether you genuinely know your adult child is whether they confide in you about their innermost thoughts and emotions. As children, many know what they like, need, and fear. However, as adults, emotional vulnerability can become more complex. It’s often easy to overlook, but understanding the subtleties of your child’s emotional state is vital.

Take the example of Sheri, a mother of two grown children. Sheri was used to hearing every detail of her daughter's life growing up, but as her daughter entered her twenties, the communication became sparse and more superficial. Sheri assumed everything was fine, but one day, during a rare heart-to-heart conversation, her daughter shared how overwhelmed and anxious she was about the future. "I didn’t realize how much she was struggling," Sheri admitted. "She’d never said anything before, and I never asked."

Does your adult child open up to you like this? Or are they retreating into silence, sharing only surface-level details? If your child keeps their emotions closely guarded, it may be a sign that there’s a new layer of themselves you haven’t yet discovered.

2. Are You Aware of Their Goals, Passions, and Struggles?

Another way to know whether you truly understand your adult child is to reflect on how well you’re aware of their ongoing goals, passions, and struggles. The transition to adulthood is often defined by self-discovery, and parents must stay attuned to these changes, even if they’re subtle or hard to spot.

Consider John, a father who thought he knew his son inside and out. Growing up, his son was always interested in sports, but when John visited him at college, he was shocked to learn his son had switched majors to environmental science. "I had no idea," John said. "It wasn’t something we’d ever talked about." This lack of awareness didn’t mean John wasn’t a good parent; it simply showed how much his son’s life had shifted as he navigated adulthood on his terms.

As children become adults, they may evolve in surprising ways. They may pursue new careers, take on new hobbies, or even change their values. Engaging in conversations beyond daily logistics is essential to knowing your adult child honestly. Ask about their plans, what excites them, and what they’ve been thinking about lately.

3. Do You Respect Their Independence and Boundaries?

Knowing your adult child also means recognizing their need for autonomy. As Otto Frank’s quote suggests, there’s often a gap between the child you once knew and the adult they’ve become. This adult version of your child will likely have thoughts, feelings, and experiences that are uniquely their own. Respecting their independence—and recognizing that they may not want to share everything with you—is crucial to truly understanding who they’ve become.

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Take the example of Lisa, a mother who had always been very involved in her daughter’s life. When her daughter moved out to start her first job in a different city, Lisa had difficulty letting go. She wanted to know everything: what her daughter was doing daily, how she felt, and who she spent time with. However, over time, Lisa realized that her daughter needed space to define herself outside the family. "I had to remember that it’s her life now, not mine," Lisa said.

To honestly know your adult child, resist the urge to control or probe too much. Respect their privacy and allow them to navigate their path. They may not want to share every detail, and that’s okay.

How Much Do We Need to Know?

While it’s natural to want to stay connected and involved in your adult child’s life, it’s also important to recognize that they are their person with their own experiences. One of the most challenging but necessary steps in parenting adult children is learning to let go. This doesn’t mean abandoning the relationship but rather allowing your child the space to grow independently, make mistakes, and succeed on their terms.

As parents, we must balance being involved and respecting their autonomy. It’s not about knowing every detail of their life but about being there when they need us and offering support without overstepping boundaries.

Tips for Parents

• Communicate openly and regularly. Stay in touch with your child, but make sure the conversations focus on listening rather than directing.
• Respect boundaries. Understand that some aspects of their lives are private, and that’s okay.
• Be open to change. Your child may not be the person they were when they were younger. Embrace their growth and the person they’ve become.
• Support their independence. Encourage them to make their own decisions, even if you don’t always agree with them.

Final Thoughts

Ultimately, knowing your adult child is a continual process that requires patience, respect, and a willingness to accept the evolving nature of their life. By fostering open communication, respecting their boundaries, and acknowledging their independence, you can maintain a strong, healthy relationship that allows both of you to grow.