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Key points
- Children often internalize harsh messages from the outside world.
- Kids who believe in themselves face challenges with resilience.
- Children who feel heard learn to value their emotions rather than suppress or dismiss them.
As a child psychologist, I’ve seen the transformative power of self-esteem in young lives. Kids who believe in themselves face challenges with resilience; those who don’t often retreat into self-doubt. And yet, building self-esteem isn’t about empty praise or trophies for participation—it’s about deeply understanding and valuing who your child is.
Over my 33-year career, I believe, as I emphasize in my book 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child, that understanding our children is just as crucial as loving them. Kids thrive when they feel validated, supported, and understood. No adult child ever looks back and wishes their parents had been less empathetic. Empathy isn’t an indulgence—it’s a gift that shapes how your child sees themselves and their potential.
Let’s explore four strategies for helping your child build healthy self-worth, regardless of age or struggles.
1. Validate Their Feelings (Even the Hard Ones)
Children who feel heard learn to value their emotions rather than suppress or dismiss them. Validation doesn’t mean agreeing with everything they say; it means acknowledging their experiences as real and meaningful.
Example:
Seven-year-old Brooke struggled with anxiety about school. “I’m just stupid!” she sobbed after a rough day in math class. Her mom, Jessica, wanted to fix the problem and said, “Don’t say that; you’re smart!” But Brooke felt dismissed. Instead, Jessica tried this: “I can see why you feel that way. Math was tough today, huh? It’s OK to feel frustrated. Let’s figure it out together.”
The result? Brooke felt understood, and Jessica’s calm approach gave her the confidence to tackle her struggles. Validation teaches kids that their feelings aren’t scary or shameful—and that they can handle them.
2. Coach Them Through Social Challenges
Peers play a massive role in shaping self-esteem, especially in tweens and teens. Negative experiences, like bullying or exclusion, can chip away at their confidence. When I provide coaching to parents, I encourage them to see that their role is to guide—not control—how they navigate these tricky situations.
Example:
Fourteen-year-old Elan came home upset after a group of friends started excluding him. “Why do they hate me?” he asked his dad, Rob. Instead of jumping into problem-solving mode or dismissing Elan's concerns, Rob said, “That sounds painful. Let’s talk about what happened.”
Together, they role-played responses Elan could use and brainstormed ways to strengthen other friendships. Elan felt supported and empowered to take small steps to rebuild his social confidence.
3. Counter Negative Internalized Messages
Children often internalize harsh messages from the outside world—whether it’s about their intelligence, appearance, or worth. Your job is to challenge these harmful scripts with compassion and encouragement.
Example:
Seventeen-year-old Maya, a high-achieving student, told her mom, Carla, “I’ll never be good enough, no matter how hard I try.” Instead of brushing off Maya’s self-criticism, Carla said, “I know you feel that way, but I see someone who works so hard and gives her best. Can we talk about why you’re feeling like this?”
By addressing Maya’s feelings and reminding her of her strengths, Carla helped her daughter see herself through a kinder lens. Teaching kids to reframe negative self-talk is a powerful way to boost their self-esteem.
4. Help Them Discover and Celebrate Their Strengths
Self-esteem flourishes when kids feel capable and valued for who they are—not just for their achievements. This means celebrating their unique strengths and giving them opportunities to develop new skills.
Example:
Nineteen-year-old Liam had struggled academically and often felt overshadowed by his younger, straight-A sister. His parents, Dave and Sarah, encouraged him to explore his love for cooking, enrolling him in a culinary class. Seeing his talent recognized by others gave Liam a newfound pride and purpose.
By focusing on Liam’s strengths, Dave and Sarah helped him see that he didn’t need to excel in traditional areas to be worthy of confidence and respect.
Bringing It All Together
Building self-esteem is a lifelong process. It’s about showing your kids—whether they’re 7 or 19—that they are valued not for what they achieve but for who they are.
It’s also about helping them navigate life's inevitable ups and downs. School stress, peer conflicts, and negative self-talk can take a toll, but parents who validate, coach, and celebrate their children create a foundation of confidence that lasts well into adulthood.
Understanding your child, especially during their most challenging moments, teaches them they deserve love and respect. Remember, empathy is the bridge that connects us to our kids and allows their self-esteem to flourish.
No adult child says, “I wish my parents had validated me less.” Instead, they’ll remember that you were there, ready to listen every step of the way.
Facebook image: fizkes/Shutterstock
