The 4 Words That Can Improve Your Relationship Today

As a couples therapist, I've listened to many couples share their most intimate thoughts, struggles, and desires. One phrase I’ve learned that can dramatically shift the dynamics of a relationship is simple yet powerful: “How can I help?”

This phrase isn’t about grand gestures or perfect solutions—it’s about empathy, support, and connection. Let me explain why, with examples and practical tips on incorporating this phrase into your relationship.

Evan and Grace: Balancing Career and Family

Evan and Grace, married for six years, struggled to balance their demanding careers and family life. Evan, an attorney, worked long hours, while Grace, a nurse, worked rotating shifts. Grace felt overwhelmed by her household responsibilities and longed for Evan to notice and help.

Grace expressed her frustration in therapy: “I’m cleaning, cooking, and caring for the kids while you’re working. I’m exhausted and feel like you don’t offer to help.”

Evan initially responded defensively, “I work hard for our family.”

After I encouraged him to ask Grace, “How can I help simply?” the shift was immediate. Now understanding her pain, Evan asked, “How can I help?” Grace, relieved, asked for a weekend where he could take care of the kids while she rested.

This phrase helped Evan remove defensiveness and showed Grace that her struggles were acknowledged and supported. It wasn’t about who did more—it was about feeling heard.

Lily and Mark: Emotional Distance in Conflict

Lily and Mark had been together for over ten years but had fallen into a cycle of emotional distance during conflicts. Mark would shut down, leaving Lily feeling unheard and alone.

In therapy, Lily shared, “Whenever we fight, Mark shuts down, and I feel like I’m talking to a wall.”

Mark admitted, “I don’t know what to say. I don’t want to make things worse.”

I encouraged Mark to ask, “How can I help?” instead of retreating into silence. In their following argument, Mark said, “Lily, I know I’ve been pulling away, but how can I help right now?”

Lily was surprised but relieved. She replied, “Just listen to me.” The phrase shifted their dynamic, allowing Mark to listen actively and giving Lily the emotional support she needed.

Sarah and Tom: The Burden of Parenting

Sarah and Tom, parents of two young children, felt overwhelmed by their responsibilities. Between work and childcare, they had little time to connect, and their relationship began to feel more like a logistics partnership than a romantic one.

Sarah expressed her frustration, “I feel like I’m always the one organizing everything. I need Tom to step up, but I don’t know how to ask for help.”

Unaware of her feelings, Tom said, “I try to help, but I don’t know what you need.”

I suggested Tom try asking, “How can I help?” Later, when Sarah was cleaning up after dinner, Tom asked, “Sarah, how can I help with this?” Sarah, surprised, asked him to put the kids to bed so she could rest. This simple phrase allowed Tom to step in and support Sarah, making her feel seen and valued.

Why “How Can I Help?” Works

So, why does “How can I help?” work so well? It acknowledges your partner’s struggle without judgment. It’s a simple yet profound way to show empathy and open the door to connection. When you ask this question, you signal that you care about their needs and want to contribute to their well-being.

Tips for Incorporating This Phrase into Your Relationship:

• Be Genuine: Ask with the actual intent to support your partner—not to avoid conflict or check a box.
• Don’t Assume: Don’t assume you know what your partner needs. Ask, and be open to whatever response they offer.
• Follow Through: When your partner shares how you can help, act on it. This shows your commitment.

Relationships Essential Reads

The Art of Talking About Nothing (and Why It’s Everything)

Why We Avoid Those Closest to Us When We Need Them Most

The Ripple Effect

When couples make it a habit to ask, “How can I help?” they foster a culture of cooperation, empathy, and connection. It shifts the relationship from competition to collaboration, where each partner feels valued and supported.

The surprising truth is that this simple five-word question can make a monumental difference in how couples navigate life’s challenges together.

So, next time you’re unsure how to support your partner, ask: “How can I help?” It may be the most powerful question you can ask.

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