Want to Better Connect With Your Adult Child? Stop Advising

Parents often believe that offering advice is an act of love. They want to shield their children from pain, help them avoid mistakes, and share the wisdom they've accumulated over the years. However, this well-intentioned impulse can backfire, especially when it comes to adult children who are seeking independence and validation.

\When I coach parents and adult children, I repeatedly see that the parents' biggest mistake is giving advice instead of listening—an error that can create distance and frustration in the relationship.

Scenario 1: Judy and Her Daughter, Sienna

Judy has always been a hands-on mom. When Sienna was younger, she depended on her mother’s advice, from choosing clothes to choosing friends. But now, Sienna is 27 and navigating her career and relationships. When Sienna called Judy to talk about a difficult situation at work, she wasn’t looking for a solution; she just needed someone to listen.

Instead of allowing Sienna to vent, Judy said, "You should talk to your boss directly. You’ve always been too passive—stand up for yourself!" Judy's well-meaning words stung. Sienna wasn’t asking for a strategy; she wanted empathy and understanding. This conversation left Sienna feeling unheard and frustrated. She ended the call quickly, and Judy wondered why Sienna seemed so distant lately.

Scenario 2: Mark and His Son, Alex

Mark prides himself on being a good problem-solver. His son, Alex, 32, recently moved back to their hometown after a rough breakup. Alex was struggling with feelings of failure and uncertainty about his future. When Alex mentioned that he was thinking about starting his own business, Mark immediately launched into a list of potential pitfalls and reasons why it might not work out.

Alex nodded along, but inside, he felt discouraged. He wasn’t ready for a lecture on the risks; he was trying to rebuild his confidence and find a new direction. Mark's advice, though practical, came across as dismissive of Alex's feelings and aspirations. Instead of feeling supported, Alex felt judged and doubted. As a result, he withdrew further, sharing less with his father over time.

Why Listening Matters More Than Advice

When researching my book 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child, it became more apparent than ever that listening is an underrated skill in parenting, especially as children grow into adults. Adult children need to feel that their parents respect their autonomy and trust them to make their own decisions—even if those decisions lead to mistakes. When parents jump in with advice, they inadvertently send the message that they don’t believe their child can handle the situation independently.

On the other hand, active listening shows respect, builds trust, and strengthens the parent-child relationship. It involves more than just hearing words; it’s about being present, showing empathy, and resisting the urge to fix things. When parents listen without judgment or interruption, they create a safe space for adult children to open up and express their true feelings.

Scenario 3: Linda and Her Daughter, Megan

Linda has always been close to her daughter, Megan, who is 29. When Megan called her mother after a tough day, she began to unload about the pressures she was facing at work and in her relationship. Linda’s first instinct was to offer advice: “Maybe you should think about changing jobs if it’s that stressful,” she started.

But this time, Linda caught herself. Instead, she took a deep breath and said, “That sounds hard. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. What do you think you want to do?” Megan paused, surprised but relieved. She felt like her mother genuinely heard her for the first time in a long while. Linda’s response opened a deeper conversation, and Megan felt safe sharing her thoughts without feeling judged or pushed.

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How to Make Listening a Habit

1. Pause Before Speaking: Before offering advice, take a moment to reflect on what your child might need—whether it's a listening ear, emotional support, or just someone to validate their feelings.

2. Ask Open-Ended Questions: Encourage your child to share more by asking questions that allow them to explore their thoughts and feelings. “How are you feeling about that?” or “What do you think you might do next?” are good starters.

3. Reflect on What You Hear: Show that you’re paying attention by summarizing what they’ve said. “It sounds like you’re overwhelmed by this” can help them feel understood.

4. Resist the Urge to Fix: Sometimes, the best thing you can do is just be there. Acknowledge their feelings and let them know that feeling unsure or upset is OK.

Conclusion: The Power of Listening

In the end, listening is one of the most powerful tools a parent can use to connect with their adult children. It’s not about having all the answers; it’s about being there in a way that shows respect, understanding, and unconditional support. When parents listen, they open the door to deeper communication and stronger relationships—something that no amount of advice can replace.