7 Phrases That Hurt Kids More Than Parents Realize

Many parents have found themselves deeply humbled when their children share painful memories of things said to them in moments of frustration. Parenting, after all, is much like trying to fold a fitted sheet—no matter how hard you try, it never looks perfect. The key is to embrace the wrinkles and focus on the love and effort you put in.

Parenting is a journey filled with both joy and challenges. In stressful moments, words can slip out that parents later regret. While these statements may seem harmless or justified at the time, as a child psychologist, I have seen firsthand that they can affect a child’s self-esteem and emotional well-being. Let’s explore seven common phrases parents often regret saying and how they shape a child’s experience.

1. Making Comparisons Between Siblings

Example: In exasperation, a parent might say, “Why can’t you act more like your brother?”

Regret: Such comparisons can foster resentment and unhealthy competition among siblings, leading to feelings of unappreciation and strained relationships.

2. Using Absolute Statements

Example: A parent might express frustration by saying, “You always forget what I tell you.”

Regret: Absolute statements can make a child feel incapable of change, potentially affecting their self-confidence and motivation.

3. Expressing Disappointment Without Support

Example: Parents might convey disappointment by stating, “We thought you would do better.”

Regret: While having expectations is natural, expressing disappointment without offering support can lead to feelings of inadequacy and anxiety in children.

4. Dismissing a Child's Emotions

Example: A parent might say, “You’re overreacting; it was just a joke.”

Regret: Invalidating a child's emotions can hinder their ability to express themselves, lead them to suppress feelings, and affect their emotional intelligence.

5. Labeling a Child Negatively

Example: In a moment of frustration, a parent might say, “You’re being lazy.”

Regret: As I describe in my book, 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child, negative labeling can damage a child's self-image and motivation, making it challenging to develop a strong work ethic and sense of responsibility.

6. Comparing Them to Other Children

Example: Parents might express frustration by saying, “Look at how well your friend is doing; why can’t you do the same?”

Regret: Such comparisons can harm a child’s self-esteem and create unhealthy competition, leading to feelings of inadequacy and resentment.

7. Uttering Hurtful Statements in Anger

Example: In anger, a parent might say, “I wish you weren’t here right now.”

Regret: Hurtful statements made in anger can leave deep emotional scars, causing children to struggle with feelings of rejection and low self-worth.

The Power of Words in Parenting

Parenting is a challenging journey, and it’s natural to have moments of frustration. However, being mindful of our words can significantly impact our children's emotional well-being. Instead of uttering words that may wound, we can strive to offer guidance, patience, and understanding, helping our children grow into confident and resilient individuals who feel deeply loved.

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