3 Ways to Talk So That an Adult Child Will Listen

When I coach parents of struggling adult children, they often have a hard time seeing how their approaches (delivery when expressing themselves) can be offputting. So, I often use metaphors to help them bridge the gap in understanding to better connect with their adult children. What follows are some driving metaphors to help you get past three types of dysfunctional "traffic patterns" when trying to get through to an adult child.

Moving Past a Conversational Traffic Jam

In the vast landscape of relationships, parents and adult children often find themselves at a crossroads, struggling to navigate the communication highway. For families on this well-traveled road, their route is often marked by disruptive detours, potholes, and missed exits, as three key roadblocks hinder the smooth flow of their conversations. Here are the three roadblocks and corresponding better routes (solutions):

1. "Parallel Lane Dilemma": The Express Lane vs. the Scenic Route

When it comes to Jake's concerns for his adult daughter Emma's financial future, picture Jake speeding down the express lane, all about efficiency and straightforwardness. Emma, however, prefers the scenic route, enjoying the twists and turns of nuanced communication. Moving briefly out of the driving metaphor, Emma takes jobs here and there without a clear sense of advancing herself in the world of work.

Their parallel lane dilemma turns casual talks into a complex road trip. Jake's directness (I am not going to be here to help you when you get older!) feels like a highway takeover to Emma, while her winding expressions seem like a convoluted detour to Jake.

Solution: The Shared Crossroads. Merging onto a common communication crossroads is vital. When Jake sees himself as his own and Emma's emotion regulation coach, he can ease up on the gas pedal, adding a touch of empathy and finesse to his approach. For example, Jake may now say,

Emma, I understand that the way I bring up your financial future feels overwhelming to you. Please hear I am willing to slow down and go at a speed where we both feel emotionally safer to discuss your future.

Emma now can put up some road signs for clarity. Emma reveals she is afraid of failing at her original career path of nursing. She says,

Dad, what if I fail and I am not able to do it?

Staying at their now shared crossroads, Jake responds,

Emma, all you can do is give it your best but don't ever forget how much I believe in you.

This healthier way of communicating transforms Jake and Emma's communication highway into a smoother, collaborative, and comprehensible journey where both viewpoints coexist without losing individuality.

2. "Traffic Jam Residue": Lingering Gridlock From Past Collisions

Claire sees that conversations with her 33-year-old son, Ben, are clogged with the remnants of unresolved conflicts. This creates a traffic jam of unspoken grievances. Claire, haunted by the echoes of past disagreements, often finds Ben's independence merging into the traffic of defiance. Ben, on the other hand, senses the congestion of perceived judgments and expectations from Claire. The dialogue highway becomes a gridlock of misunderstood intentions, impeding the possibility of calm and collected conversations.

Solution: The Detour to Dialogue Detox. Ben and Claire need to take a detour to a dialogue detox zone. They begin to address their past conversational collisions head-on, acknowledging detours that led to wrong turns (rude interruptions), and fostering an environment of forgiveness can clear the road for a smoother conversation. In plain English, they each take responsibility for their past hurtful words and emotional reactivity. Their newfound dialogue detox detour replaces the traffic jam of conflict with the flow of understanding, creating an open road for more harmonious exchanges.

3. "Generational Intersection": Navigating the Roundabout of Values and Perspectives

In the intersection of values and perspectives, Kevin and his son Oliver find themselves in a generational roundabout. Kevin, adhering to traditional traffic rules, struggles to navigate Oliver's progressive ideals. Oliver, feeling caught in a roundabout where his modern worldview is met with skepticism, finds the journey disorienting. Their conversations become a dizzying roundabout, with each exit leading them further from mutual understanding.

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Solution: The Intersection Collaboration. Embracing an intersection collaboration involves acknowledging the unique traffic rules each brings to the conversation. Kevin and Oliver can take turns directing the traffic, appreciating the diversity in their driving styles. Specifically, they listen with the goal of understanding without any pressure to agree with one another.

A representative soundbite from Kevin driving along this collaborative approach is,

Oliver, I have been trying to impose instead of exposing my values and beliefs about how we should discuss things. Let's go forward on a different route. Please share with me your perspective about how we can best communicate and then I will share my view.

The intersection collaboration transforms their discordant journey into a cooperative road trip, where each exit is a step toward bridging the generational gap.

Conclusion

Parents and adult children often stand at the crossroads of relationship dissonance. By employing the metaphors of navigating the parallel lane dilemma, taking detours to dialogue detox, and collaborating at the generational intersection, parents can transform their communication with their adult children into a more harmonious road trip. The key lies not in avoiding the twists and turns but in navigating them together, ensuring a smooth and enjoyable ride toward mutual understanding.

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