5 Ways to Set Limits With Your Dependent, Adult Child

Heads up! Incoming adult child crisis. You just got an urgent message on your phone from your struggling adult child. You're jolted into being filled with adrenaline, ready to put out the next fire.

Being a loving parent who knows your adult child is hurting, you try to put aside that drama and chaos from just a few days ago when things did not go so well. At that time, you were told, "You're a narcissistic b*tch (or bastard), you suck, I hate you, and you are the worst parent ever!" Oh yeah, right, they also added in the thick of their past tantrum that they don't ever want to see you again."

Now there's this text message from your adult child requesting you to help them—immediately. As if nothing ever happened. They apparently have no recollection of recently treating you like crap.

Sirens are now blaring in your head. Why wouldn't they be? You feel, after all, like a firefighter/crisis care manager/therapist when it comes to managing your adult child. Oh, wait a minute, did you forget that you probably also feel like a human punching bag, too?

Well, here are a few questions for you to jog your memory:

Do you see an irrationally guilt-ridden, dumbfounded, busted up, weathered-looking parent staring back at you in the mirror?

Is this emotional madness sustainable for your mental health?

Do you want to step up and positively change this sad, helpless image of yourself when it comes to your adult child—that you have let become your reality?

Being a Parent of a Struggling Adult Child Can Feel Brutally Upsetting

The parents of struggling adult children that I coach initially contact me and share differing stories (yet in many ways they are strikingly similar) of getting sucked into repeated manipulative drama and crises. Parents in these situations feel woefully guilty if they don't do something because, "If I don't help them, no one else will. And, I can't let them be out on the street!"

Yes, I realize that tragic things that happen to all of us, such as sudden health issues, car accidents, or traumas of one kind or another. Yes, in some cases, struggling adult children have significant mental health issues, including depression, anxiety, and addictions, which need to be addressed. At the same time, mental health treatment does not have to be mutually exclusive from your adult child being respectful to you and contributing to their own recovery in any way they can.

Often, I see parents overly rescuing their children from their problems. While it may feel good for parents to do this, the implicit (or even explicit) message to the child is, “You’re not competent to make it on your own.”

Struggling adult children can be experts at deliberately manufacturing crises.

Do any of these scenarios that I coach parents to manage sound familiar to you?

• Tim, age 27, unfairly blasts blame at his parents for not giving or doing enough compared to what they did/do for his siblings.
• Janice, age 23, sends sudden crises texts to her mother, demanding (or guilting) she give her money because of her own haphazard financial management.
• Trae, age 35, lashes out at his parents. Trae has a failing short-term memory and is forgetting all they've done in the past.
• Christina, age 24, goes on a 20-minute rant about how her former boss is a jerk she still can't find another job. She mentions that she has no money for her car payment. Her father, Miguel, starts to explain he has financial pressures too and Christina immediately says, "Fine, don't worry about me!" Riddled with anxiety and guilt, Miguel then says, "Only this time" but both of them know his words have a hollow ring, since Miguel has said this so many times before. So, with mixed emotions, Miguel agrees to go by his apartment later to "loan" her money to pay her rent. As usual, she promises to pay you back, Miguel realistically knows that will never happen.
• Ben, age 25, blames his mother for all his past negative choices with colleges he failed out of, seeing his life through a "victim, woe is me" mindset.
• Jodie, age 33, went to her parents for support, complaining because she had it with her toxic, manipulative relationship boyfriend. Her devoted mother, Julie, rushes in to be supportive, and then Jodie goes back for more abuse from the toxic partner. Adding salt to Julie's wound, Jodie is conveniently oblivious to how supportive Julie has been and blames her for all her relationship problems.
• Carly, age 29, is in denial about her substance abuse problem and blames her father for stressing her out and "making" her use alcohol or drugs.
• Dimitri, 42, is neglecting his children (his parents discover the issues) and flips the script saying, "You are just creating drama to pretend you even care about your grandchildren."

5 Ways to Set Limits With Your Adult Child Using a Coaching Mindset

If you get pulled in to these types of painful crises, then it is time to say one word: enough. Enough being a manipulated, gaslighted parent. Examples of how I coach parents in these situations include the following:

1. Reclaim your value.

Stop relying on your struggling adult child to tell you your value and learn to know your own value. Use the following soundbites to guide you when you interact with your adult child.

Say, "I hear that is how you see it, I see it differently."

Say, "I hope at some point you let yourself see the positives in you that I do" when your adult child manipulatively says, "You don't care about me."

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Say, "You owe it to yourself to speak to me in the respectful manner that I am trying to speak to you."

2. Apologize for your past shortcomings as a parent—within reason.

Remind your adult child that you are learning and growing, just as they are and that the only perfect people are in the cemetery.

3. Stop enabling.

Enabling is fixing problems for others and doing so in a way that interferes with growth and responsibility. Do you create an enabling dynamic for your adult child? If he, for example, buys a new audio system for his car instead of paying rent this would result in a consequence of losing an apartment. An enabler rushes in and removes the consequence, giving the adult child no reason or opportunity to learn a valuable lesson. Parents in this situation can help themselves to be mindful of enabling their child by being carefully considering the following questions:

Do you sacrifice too much to meet your adult child’s needs?

• Are you afraid of hurting your child?
• Does your child now act entitled to, and demand, things you once enjoyed giving—car privileges, gifts, perks at home, or rent money?
• Does it feel like you are living from crisis to crisis with your adult child?•
• Are you feeling burdened, used, resentful, or burnt out?

4. Try not to be adversarial as you encourage your child to become more independent.

The goal is to be supportive and understanding with a collaborative mindset. Be calm, firm, and non-controlling (my book, 10 Days To A Less Defiant Child, further describes this approach) in your demeanor as you express these guiding expectations below to motivate your adult child toward healthy independence:

• Encourage working children to contribute part of their pay for room and board.
• Don't indiscriminately give money. Providing spending money should be contingent on children’s efforts toward independence.
• Agree on a time limit on how long children can remain at home.
• If you can afford it, offer to help pay starting costs of rent on an apartment.
• Make an agreement for decreasing contributions to rent until the child is fully responsible.

5. Remember you are not in a popularity contest.

Be prepared for your child to reject you. They will most likely come around later but in the meantime, you will no longer lose yourself amongst the challenges.