3 Signs Your Adult Child Is “Emotionally Constipated”

As a coach of parents of struggling adult children, I frequently hear stories about emotional constipation. So, what do I mean by emotional constipation? Urban Dictionary describes this term as "The inability or unwillingness to express one's emotions that creates the impression of a cold or unfeeling person."

I view emotional constipation as the tendency for someone to bottle up their upsetting thoughts and feelings and implode or explode later on. Being emotionally constipated gets in the way of what I see as the most crucial skills for life: 1) calming down and 2) solving problems. This can lead to sad and even tragic situations for adult children.

An emotionally constipated adult child opening up

Rose, 26, sat in front of me, wracked with tears. She said, "Dr. Jeff, I just treated my parents like sh-t this whole weekend. I gave them a serious attitude and kept picking fights with my mom. She, and my dad for that matter, take it way too personally, but I'm just in a really crappy place in my own life. So, I keep taking it out on them, and I totally have no freaking idea why!"

Examples of how emotionally constipated adult children impact their parents

Here are some other examples from my coaching practice for parents of adult children who act in an aggressive, manipulative manner:

Ben, a 22-year-old who failed out of college during his sophomore year, threatens his parents by saying he will kill himself if they continue to ask him about looking for a job. He is manipulating by hitting them with the low blow of threats of self-harm (his sister had heard him bragging to his friend that he has no plan to actually harm himself).

Kelly, age 37, keeps telling her parents they ruined her entire life by enrolling her in a parochial school she could not stand as a preteen. Kelly just can't seem to let this go.

Tommy, age 19, tells his mother she is awful for not being willing to "trust him" when she questions his continuous demands for "loans" that he never pays back. He is gaslighting her, trying to make this mother feel like she has the problem.

Teresa, age 25, tells her mother, Lorraine, "It's all about you," when Lorraine innocently and protectively asks Teresa why she is continuing to pursue a guy who emotionally abused her and dumped her twice in the past six months. I helped Lorraine get a healthy perspective and create an emotionally safe dynamic to bypass Teresa's distorted accusations and defensiveness.

[Note to adult child readers: Yes, there are toxic parents out there. If you have parents who have been abusive, please remember to know your value. The best road to your own success is always the high road. Don't expect to change your parents. Rather, take your own ship to port by not letting the rocky waves of your childhood take you off course.]

As I describe in my book, The Anxiety, Depression, & Anger Toolbox for Teens, anger is a surface emotion. Underlying the anger tends to be anxiety, frustration, depression, guilt, shame, and a lack of feeling in control. Sadly, when adult children manifest anger (which can be expressed passive-aggressively), it can feel really hurtful to their parents.

Here are three signs of emotionally constipated adult children

1. They lack empathy. Empathy is the ability to see another person’s perspective. Adult children who lack empathy will likely say you are “too sensitive” because they are not yet capable of having constructive conversations to work through conflicts. This is because they can't own their feelings or consider yours.
2. They become desperately defensive. Struggling adult children frequently take swims in Denial River. They try to turn around situations by rewriting the facts to erroneously blame others for their own disappointments. This wall of defensiveness keeps their parents on their tiptoes as they feel emotionally held hostage to their adult child's warped views of situations.
3. They are rigidly reactive. I hear many stories of adult children who have seemingly made a habit of responding to their parents in reactive ways that lead to fruitless power struggles. Anger (expressed aggressively or passive-aggressively) is their "go-to" emotion. Often, adult children are not aware of their underlying emotions, such as frustration, anxiety, hurt, sadness, or feelings of loneliness and emptiness.

Anger Essential Reads

The Art of Surrendering to Your Anger

How to Cope If You're Easily Offended

Stay tuned. In future posts, I will offer strategies to help parents maintain their sanity and engage in more constructive interactions with emotionally constipated adult children.