3 Things Not to Say to an Angry Adult Child

I routinely provide online coaching to parents of struggling, emotionally reactive adult children. Every parent who shares their painful stories with me helps me continue to learn how massive a problem struggling adult children are for those who care about them. Even though my clients come from a wide range of communities and countries, the troubling common themes I often hear about are:

• Topics abruptly and unfairly declared off-limits to discuss—yet they won't go away on their own.
• Reactive and fruitless power struggles.
• Smoldering, highly detectable frustration and anger.
• Outright, emotionally abusive episodes of lashing out.
• An inability to successfully problem-solve in lasting ways.
• Apathy, underachievement, and upsetting-to-see, self-defeating behaviors.

Seeing your adult child struggle can feel soul-wrenching. All you likely want is for them to be happy, have independence, feel good inwardly—and treat you with kindness, respect, and appreciation. Yet, if you are like many parents who consult with me, you are hurting. All you really can control, though, is yourself and how you communicate. And this goes a long way to helping your adult child and you make progress toward a better relationship. So, it is really important to manage your thoughts, emotions, and words.

When dealing with an angry adult child, I suggest you...

1. Don't Lecture Your Adult Child About All You Have Done or Are Doing for Them. If your adult child is upset, they will not be able to reason well. So, while presenting all that you do for them to convince or demand that they should "show some respect" is an understandable desire, it's just going to be like pouring gasoline on a slow-burning or ready-to erupt fire.

Instead, make a list of all you have done for your adult child. Perhaps being a chaperone on field trips, going to games and activities, spending money on their interests and/or education, and those times when you were there when they needed you. But this list is for you. Don't show it to them, because you don't need to. You just need to believe in the good things you've done from within and appreciate yourself—even though you have made your share of mistakes because you are human.

2. Don't "Should" on Them. When you "should" all over your adult child, they end up feeling like a different word that begins with "Sh." You guessed it: Shame.

Avoid saying things like:

• "You should be more thoughtful (appreciative, motivated, independent, etc.)." They likely wish they felt that way too, even though they won't admit it to you.

• "You should try calling back that person to get a job (volunteer, live elsewhere)." They likely are avoiding doing so because they fear being rejected or not succeeding.
• "You should see things from my point of view and not be self-absorbed." They are likely limited in seeing their own perspective because it feels safer than looking at how they are perceived.

Instead, say, things like:

• "You may want to consider ____."
• "It's up to you, but I think you may feel better about yourself if you _____."
• "I understand that is how you see it. I see it differently, but I am glad we can hear each other out."

3. Don't Make Empty (Or for That Matter, Any) Threats. Threatening to cut off, kick out, or take things away from an adult child usually does not work. Do you think I am being too soft saying this? If so, then I am wondering why you are reading this post. I am not trying to be a wise guy. I truly get it and feel for you. Yes, it is beyond frustrating to be on the receiving end of your adult child's emotional immaturity and anger. But all your threats are likely to do is create a disconnecting, adversarial dynamic. Even if threats seemingly create agreements in the short run, you usually are just putting you and your adult child on the "bottle it up and explode (or implode) later plan." That's not a good plan for anyone.

Instead of issuing threats, how about saying things like:

• "Our emotions are running high. When you are willing, let's try to have a constructive conversation so that we can try to get past this conflict."
• "There is an immature, reactive part of me that wants to threaten you. I won't do that because it is in our shared best interest to hear each other out once we calm down." This statement allows to you model self-awareness and self-control—gifts for your adult child to hopefully eventually use as well.

(The emotionally neutralizing and re-regulating sound bites in this post are based on my book, 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child, 2nd Edition.)

Putting It All Together

Trying to prove yourself, meeting anger with anger, and engaging in threats will only make matters worse. Showing your love is crucial to the effective parenting of a struggling adult child. But just as important—if not more—is showing that you understand them. Remember, you can acknowledge your adult child's perspective but you do not have to agree.

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Amid all the understandable frustration and heartbreak, a conveyed sense of understanding of your struggling adult child tends to be a critical and missing ingredient in these relationships, especially with those who really struggle. Tragically, adult children who are well-loved by their parents often do not feel that love if their parents don’t understand them.

Parenting without a true understanding of our adult children influences us to see them as we negatively think they are rather than as they really are. I know very few parents who don’t love their adult children, but I know many parents who don’t understand them. Being mindful of how you express yourself will go a long way toward lowering anger and getting communication to a better place.

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