3 Thoughts That Stop You from Leaving a Bad Relationship

Do you ask yourself why you keep staying in relationships that are disappointing, upsetting, and unhealthy for you? Bad relationships are draining and depleting; they can feel like they are destroying your soul. Yet, countless people seem to stay in them—sometimes for life.

Unhealthy relationships create high levels of anxiety, depression, and all-around stress. Something else to consider is that toxic relationships don’t become healthy ones as a result of committing further to them. If you’ve been dating for a while, and things are not good, don't erroneously think that staying in it or even getting married will make things better. In fact, it's likely that things will get worse. This is because people pretty much are who they are and don’t change a lot unless they own their issues and put in sustained, consistent effort over time to work on them.

I believe that in any relationship, it’s important that we, ourselves, put the work in to give our best to our intimate partners. Yet, while all relationships take work, you need to consider if you're doing way too much of it compared to your partner. Ask yourself if you're doing work that begins with a "small w" or a "capital W." "Small w" work is about managing day-to-day ups and downs and communication lapses. By this, I mean relatively small misunderstandings, miscommunications, and mistakes. "Big W" work, however, while it may occur briefly in long-term, successful relationships are those ongoing, exhausting, and fruitless efforts in prolonged, unhealthy circumstances. I'm talking about putting up with destructive, push-and-pull mind games, being subjected to infidelity without true remorse, feeling the fallout of active addictions while your partner is not willing to seek meaningful help, and putting up with emotional and physical abuse.

Following are three common self-destructive thoughts that I have found to keep people in toxic relationships, based on my counseling practice observations of over 30 years.

1. I am afraid of being alone. This is a common thought in people who would prefer to be in a bad relationship or even a mediocre one thank to be alone. If you fall prey to this faulty belief, though, you are losing sight that having some alone time actually creates the groundwork to be in a healthy intimate relationship. The hard truth is that staying in a problematic relationship because you are driven by the fear of being alone just leaves you feeling more lonely than ever.

2. I am worthless and don’t deserve better. I encourage all of my clients to keep three simple words in mind: Know your value. You are always the one who is in charge of knowing your own value. People who don’t believe in themselves stay in bad relationships because they misguidedly think that having a partner tells the rest of the world that they are OK. But the problem is that they never look fully into what they believe is not so OK about themselves. And staying with the wrong person gets in the way of you seeing what is right—about you.

3. Even though she/he is bad for me, at least I get some of my needs met. Many people may believe that clinging to a bad relationship will fill needs, but even if it does, it’s still a form of self-sabotage. Numerous people have admitted to me that they stay in unhealthy relationships because of things like a comfortable lifestyle, sexual attraction to their partner, fear of finding someone worse, or wanting to keep a family intact for the sake of children. Life is certainly about free will, but there is no free pass for feeling miserable in efforts to get needs met that you may otherwise be able to take care of yourself or with someone who is healthier for you.

In Conclusion

As I explain in my book, Why Can't You Read My Mind?, you do not get into a relationship to be treated poorly, ignored, or abandoned. Being abused or denigrated, subjected to reckless spending, deprived of a sex life, or forced to put up with problematic, immature behavior is not healthy for you. If your partner is not truly willing to commit to making things better or getting some counseling, you need to face the fact that he or she will probably never change. I am all for trying to save relationships, but in the face of repeated hurts and insensitivity, it may be best to move on.

Also see Three Steps to Getting Out of a Toxic Relationship