How to Constructively Criticize the One You Love

Criticism is tough to take for many couples because of a physiological phenomenon called flooding.

Flooding is a term used by John Gottman, a leading couple’s researcher, it is the tendency to feel very overwhelmed in response to negative actions or behaviors—both your own and your partner’s. You experience a “system overload“ and are suddenly swamped by distressed and upset emotions.

I believe that toxic thoughts are the major culprit at the heart of flooding. When you are flooded and feeling out of control, constructive discussion is impossible. This is similar to what Daniel Goleman, a leading researcher on emotional intelligence, meant when he described the term emotional hijacking. Like flooding, emotional hijackings are intense bouts of emotion that derail your ability to think with logic and problem solve successfully.

Listed below from my book, Why Can't You Read My Mind?, are some important guidelines for giving and receiving constructive criticism. Follow these strategies and you will keep the emotional floodwaters at bay.

When Giving Feedback or Constructive Criticism

Do:

• Approach the subject at a good time. The second your partner walks through the door is not a good time to criticize.
• Question your motives for criticizing your partner. In the big picture, does the fact that she leaves the kitchen cabinets open really bother you enough to make an issue out of it?
• Focus on your partner’s specific behaviors, not on their whole personality. For example, you don’t want to say, "You’re just no fun." Get specific instead by saying, "I’ve noticed that you don’t seem to enjoy parties. I do, so can we talk about how to handle this difference?"
• Mention positives. This is a HUGE omission most couples make. Try framing the above issue positively by saying, "I’ve noticed that you don’t seem to enjoy parties, yet you’re such a friendly and outgoing person."
• Give your partner a chance to explain or offer feedback. This is a two-way process.

Don’t:

• Offer any ominous preambles like, "Okay, we really need to talk. There’s a huge problem we need to resolve."
• Act and then think. Going for the short release of acting before you first think about what you want to say or do can cause deep regret later on.
• Play amateur psychologist. Giving your partner an unsolicited analysis of his or her underlying motives can really shut down communication—even if your interpretation is accurate. No one wants their own emotional ghosts turned against them. It can be quite obnoxious. For example, Denise told her husband Craig, "I think you’re insecure because my promotion makes you feel like you don’t deserve me anymore, which is just like your father always felt with your mother." Denise later acknowledged that this was said when she felt angry and how it was not accurate and also damaging to Craig.
• Make comparisons. “You are just like your father (brother, sister)." This can influence your partner to feel unfairly leveraged with the negative qualities of another party. You can also open closet doors and let out more emotional ghosts.
• Make "you statements." If you say, "You are impossible to talk to and you just don’t listen" your partner will justifiably feel defensive. "I sometimes find it difficult to be honest with you," is a much more positive way to broach the subject.
• Be sarcastic or unkind with your criticism. You will shut down your partner instead of opening him or her up to see your suggestions.

When Receiving Feedback or Criticism

Do:

• Listen with an open mind. One of the biggest things that hold us back from personal growth is an unwillingness to see our faults. Your entire character is not on trial.
• Go with "Ready, Aim, Fire" instead of "Ready, Fire, Aim." Too often we react instantly instead of reflecting on what we hear.
• Ask for specifics so you know which of your behaviors upsets your partner.
• Ask for clarification if needed. Often partners on the receiving end of criticism avoid such probing. What you may not realize, however, is that getting to the deeper issues will more likely diffuse rather than intensify the negative feelings because your partner will feel understood.
• Understand the issue(s) in the context of the other person—be empathetic.
• Offer solutions. Set up specific ways that can be followed through on to monitor progress. Show your partner that you are willing to actually do what you have to.
• Thank your partner for being open and taking the risk to give you the feedback.

Don’t:

• Interrupt. You can’t listen if you’re talking. Hear your partner out.
• Yell or otherwise act out in response.
• Make excuses or get defensive.
• Deny. Think about how frustrating it is when someone negates what you have to say.
• Go blow-for-blow. I have seen this happen when couples are locked into trading volleys of spoken toxic thoughts, particularly All or Nothing thoughts, like "You always…", "Oh yeah, well you never…" Avoid these counter-criticism wars—nobody wins.
• Address more than one concern at a time.
• Shutdown. Instead, be a grown-up. Don’t withdraw and pout; it is very unattractive.
• Get passive-aggressive. Clanging the plates loudly after you hear the feedback is not going to help things.

In Closing

What relationship conflict comes down to is that partners do not always think or behave alike. But this does not have to spell disaster. Most of us are raised to think that conflicts are a bad thing—but they don’t have to be. Actually, well-handled conflicts can lead to constructive feedback and increased intimacy.

Follow these Do's and Don'ts for giving feedback and I promise you, you will soon reap the benefits—fewer disagreements, speedier resolutions, and no bad behavior to regret later. Now you can’t argue with that!