Getting Your Struggling College Student to Be More Truthful

As a coach to parents of adult children who are struggling in college, I have seen certain themes emerge. One very common issue is for parents to feel "stuck", by having communication disconnects and shut downs with their college students.

A very frequent concern parents share with me is about when their adult child does not truthfully inform them of how things are REALLY going at college. They may concede, for example, that course work is difficult but not share just how overwhelmed or even hopeless they feel. Or, many college students may initially report that a semester is going well, only to end up with much lower grades or even being put on academic probation. This can be agonizing, especially if you are one of the many parents paying tuition and/or are highly emotionally invested in your adult child's success.

It is easy as a parent to feel hopeless and then think, "Nothing I seem to say or do is working!" The parents I coach are often desperately seeking to get past communication shutdowns and problems of knowing what is true or not with their adult children. Clearly you are not a puppeteer and your adult child is not a puppet! That wishful thinking aside, you can't pull certain strings to get him or her to share with you in the ways you may want.

What you can do is create the optimal facilitative conditions to encourage your struggling college student to more honestly open up to you. To help make that happen, consider the following "Do's" and "Don'ts" when communicating with your struggling adult child in college.

The Do's:

• Listen to what your adult child college student may tell you, and, within reason, read between the lines. He may be offering some hints, hoping that you will pick up on them.
• Be mindful of your tone. She will be listening carefully too, at that time, for your receptivity to whatever he is telling you. This will likely influence just how much she is willing to share.
• Model honesty if your student shares something with you that disappoints you. Take this opportunity to "keep it real" by letting her know, in a non-critical manner, that you are sad, or angry, or worried.
• Encourage an emotionally safe discussion how the challenges or situation can be improved.
• Gently suggest getting help. Ask him who he can to talk to at school.

The Don'ts

• Don’t interrogate your student, but ask some questions that show that you are hearing what she is saying.
• Don't give mandates such as, "You better call or text me five times this week or else!"
• Don't lecture or shame in hopes that this will spark honesty or even motivation.
• Don't rush in with solutions if your adult child seems upset and not able to process them.
• Don't forget to praise any classes or experiences where your adult child may have shown success in college.

The Bottom Line for Getting to The Bottom of What Is Going On

If your adult child at college is having a hard time managing the demands and challenges – of any kind – he may struggle with how to tell you. Remember your goal is to lay the foundation for open and healthy communication. Following the strategies described above helps him know that you will be there for him not only in college but also through many life situations for years to come..