The Bounce Back Myth

We can learn to "bounce forward" from our trauma and adverse experiences.

Source: Austin Schmid/Unsplash

Resilient. A word that is esteemed. A way we all aspire to be; a person who can adapt and cope with the many challenges of life. Whether we have experienced trauma, loss, grief, or stress, we all strive to be someone who is considered resilient.

But what is resilience? A definition commonly used describes it as a person's ability to "bounce back" from adverse experiences. But while this is intended to bring encouragement and hope, it can have the opposite effect as it gives us a sense that we have to go back to who we were and where we were before the experience occurred. Being told that we have to "bounce back" can leave us feeling stuck and inadequate.

The reality is, all of our experiences change our brain, making "bouncing back" an impossible feat. McHenry, Sikorski, and McHenry (2014) discuss how we are different from one day to the next. Our brain is always changing, developing, and incorporating information from our experiences to help us make sense of our worlds. As such, all experiences impact us and change us. With research demonstrating that trauma and adverse experiences can change our brain in powerful ways, the phrase “bouncing back” is not encouraging, and can feel unattainable.

The American Psychological Society defines resilience as the “process of adapting well in the face of adversity, trauma, tragedy, threats or significant sources of stress." Resilience is having the capacity to cope and grow despite the challenging, and sometimes horrific, experiences we face. Resilience is not a “happily ever after” concept in which everything is wiped clean and erased. As the American Psychological Association states, "being resilient does not mean that the person doesn’t experience difficulty or distress." Instead, the road to resilience “is likely to involve considerable emotional distress."

Even though trauma and adverse experiences can leave lasting emotional, psychological, and physiological effects, these experiences are not the defining factors of our lives. We don't have to be "stuck" where they leave us. We may still face challenges as a result, but having resilience does not mean that we never again face moments of distress, emotional challenges, or hardship. Resilience means that we find the ability to cope and grow in spite of them.

Consider the action of bouncing a ball on the ground. When we bounce a ball, it comes back to us, but it does not come back to us unchanged. In fact, every impact with the ground leaves the ball changed with new marks and blemishes. The ball does not come back clean but often brings back dirt or other particles with it when it arrives in our hands. Traumatic experiences and challenging experiences are the same. With every “impact” we feel, we are changed and may have new “dirt” to clean off or learn how to navigate life with. Yet, a ball is made to bounce and continue to bounce even if the impact with the ground changes it. We too were made to “bounce” and are capable of continuing to bounce despite the changes that the "impacts" of life have on us.

In the counseling office, I have had the honor of meeting people who demonstrate incredible resilience. These individuals have endured sexual assault and exploitation, interpersonal violence, childhood abuse and neglect, neurological problems, war, incredible loss, addiction, and more. Yet, what makes these individuals stand out in my mind was not their ability to “bounce back” from these experiences but to “bounce forward." I have been given the privilege to see what it looks like when a person decides that despite the horror they have faced, and the effects it has had on them, they want to learn how to cope, grow, and find meaning beyond their traumatic experiences. This does not mean that they don’t continue to struggle at times with how these experiences may have changed them, but to see a person who continues to adapt, evolve, and grow amidst the chaos is a marvelous sight. This is what resilience looks like.

Perhaps, instead of thinking about trying to “bounce back” after adverse experiences, we can begin to see ourselves as “bouncing forward." What if we start seeing resilience as having the capacity to grow and become stronger, despite what we have faced? As discussed above, the notion that we can “go back” is amiss and ignores that we have the capability to move forward after traumatic experiences. Despite the traumatic experiences and challenges you have faced in your life, you are not stuck and have the capacity within you to “bounce forward."