How Narcissists Use Others Like a Yoyo

If you have a narcissist in your life, you’ve likely found yourself being treated like a yoyo—narcissists will do whatever it takes to suck you in, and then, once they’ve gotten all they can from you, they will push you away...until they need whatever you have to give again. Histrionic people often behave in a similar manner, but everything tends to be a crisis for these individuals. When things are going well in the narcissist’s life, and there are no upsets or crises, they can let others live their lives in peace. The narcissist’s yoyo can breathe a sigh of relief and live their life without interference. Yet, when some new need or unexpected emergency arises, such as a financial crisis, relational or work-related upset, or a blow to their self-esteem, narcissists immediately try to draw back in their most reliable rescuers. This is "the yoyo effect."

Does It Feel Good When You’re Drawn Back In?

In some cases, being drawn back in can feel good for the narcissist’s supply. It’s human nature to want to help others. Altruistic behavior is basically a mechanism for the survival of the species. We like to be needed by others, as that can build our own self-esteem, and we feel good when we are able to help our family and friends when they are suffering or in need. The yoyo effect, however, is different because it can wear out the folks being yoyo-ed back in after a couple of emergency calls. Our stress response system is constantly being thrown into high gear, just after we've finally managed to achieve equilibrium after the last emergency. Some people enjoy the adrenaline rush and the cortisol spike, but it's not the healthiest state for most of us.

When you think about the lives of firefighters, first responders, emergency room doctors, and so on, they have chosen jobs where emergencies and crises fill their work days. While their jobs may be high-stress and full of adrenaline boosts, they aren’t expected to take the overall weight of their jobs home with them after their shift (although, unfortunately, the weight of their job can indeed take a toll on their overall well-being). They aren’t expected to rescue or save the lives of their family members or close friends. Yet when a friend or family member, such as a parent or sibling, is constantly being called on to rescue someone, their sense of obligation and care for that person doesn’t let them metaphorically leave the job on the job—their sense of duty may be omnipresent and keep them awake at night.

The Narcissist's Emergency Doesn't Need to Be Your Emergency

Recognizing that it is no one's job to be the "24/7 on-call" rescuer or first responder for an able-bodied adult, especially a narcissist, is the first step in self-care. It's also essential that all adults learn to be responsible for themselves and not expect others to swoop in and get them out of the messes they have made for themselves.

If children aren't taught to look out for themselves and be responsible for their own choices, no matter how good or bad, they may grow into narcissistic adults who continue to place blame on others and expect others to get them out of their tight situations. To learn from mistakes there must be consequences, even though it can be painful to see a child or other family member suffer.

If Guilt Keeps You on the String

Parents often feel guilty when they try to deny their children something. In adulthood, parents may feel guilty when their adult child harms others, makes bad decisions, or runs afoul of the law. However, once a child becomes an adult, it's on them to make decisions that are in their own best interest. It's no one else's job to right another adult's wrongs or let them off the hook when they fail to behave in a responsible or respectful manner.

A Narcissist’s Promises Are Seldom Kept

While it may feel good when a narcissist expresses optimism about the future, a willingness to change their behaviors, or shares potential plans for a better path, the "yoyo" behavior is likely to continue so long as the other person is willing to jump back into the rescuer role as soon as the person sends up an alarm.

How to Cut the String

Actions always speak louder than words; so, use your own actions to break the pattern that has developed between the narcissist and yourself. When one person changes their response to another, the pattern is broken, and the second person is placed in a position where they may be able to learn new ways of engaging.