Is Technoference Damaging Your Relationships?

During the last couple of years, we were forced to rely on virtual platforms and social media to stay in touch with the people we worked with and the people we loved. Unable to meet up in person, we had to be satisfied with Zoom calls and virtual celebrations and hang-outs. While many of us already spent too much time on our phones or online, the pandemic drove us even deeper into bandwidth max-outs and screen time marathons.

The new patterns of virtual engagement that emerged are likely responsible for the renewed complaints about being phubbed by the people you're finally able to meet up with face-to-face.

Technoference is the term used to describe what you’re doing when you are “phubbing” the folks around you. Technoference is shorthand for “technology-based interference,” behaviors that can definitely be detrimental to relationships.

What exactly is "phubbing"? If you are phubbing your friends, this means you’re snubbing them in order to focus your attention on your phone: It’s a “phone snub,” “phub,” for short. The term was developed in 2012 by an advertising agency that recruited lexicographers and poets to find the perfect term for this poorly perceived behavior. No matter what you call it, the result is still the same – compromised social ties and weakened relationships.

Romantic Relationships

The more technoference that occurs when a couple is together, the more conflict regarding technology the couple will experience (McDaniel et al., 2018). When your date or partner phubs you, jealousy is a typical response (Krasnova et al., 2018). Not only do we feel left out if a partner is staying connected to people not present, but we are also upset when a partner shows more interest in someone or something besides us.

If you’re in the early stages of a relationship and it’s headed the way you want it to go, don’t risk the relationship by phubbing your date. One phubbed gentleman in Australia tried to sue his date for phubbing him during a movie–a frivolously phubbulous lawsuit, but it certainly provided evidence that strong feelings of rejection can arise upon being phubbed by a potential partner.

As a couple gets increasingly familiar with one another and spends more time together, it's likely that the phubbing becomes a familiar behavior, too. Remember, though, to make sure "reciprocal phubbing" is acceptable–staying on the same page and being present for one another should be your first priority.

Phubbing aside, cell phones in the bedroom are especially detrimental to relationships and individual well-being (Hughes & Burke, 2018). In general, it’s probably best for couples to leave their phones charging outside their bedroom, if possible. In a technology-free bedroom, the relationship is more satisfying, quality of life is enhanced, and focus and overall well-being are positively affected by their absence. Sleep quality also improves – which always makes everything better in itself.

Friendships

Sometimes what a friend needs most are empathy, understanding, and our full attention. Other times, hanging out and phubbing while all your friends are doing the same can be perfectly fine. It’s important, though, to recognize that social relationships are enhanced by the reciprocity of positive engagements and are compromised by the reciprocity of detractive behaviors; thus, the more often you and your friends phub each other, the more normal it becomes (Chotpitayasunondh & Douglas, 2016). When someone is texting or scrolling through feeds while we’re talking to them, it leaves us feeling devalued and inconsequential, if not downright upset.

When a friend needs you present, make sure you keep your phone in your pocket, purse, or at least face down on the couch or table.

Parent-Child Relationships

Research suggests that there is definitely a relationship between the amount of technoference in a parent-child relationship and a child’s behavior (McDaniel & Radesky, 2018). It seems that the more time parents spend on their smartphones, the more trouble a child can get into and the harder she might have to work to draw the parent’s attention from the screen.

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It’s also true that the more challenging or difficult a child’s behaviors might be, the more likely a parent might feel frustrated and turn to the smartphone as a distraction. Moreover, because smartphones are as mobile as people are, “distracted parenting” can risk a child’s well-being as “distracted driving” can be to passengers and the other cars on the road.

Put Down the Phone to Amp Up the Connection

New research (Tebar et al., 2021) showed that the more time you spend on your phone, the higher your craving for alcohol and sweet snacks. This might be incentive enough to put down the phone. We spent two years physically separated from our social support systems. Now that we’re able to gather again with friends, family, and colleagues, put down the phone and turn your attention to the folks in the room.

Virtual connections are a benefit of modern life, but don’t let technoference damage relationships with the people in tour real life.