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Emotional support is one of the key aspects of friendship. Having people who are there when we need them is what social connection is all about. Friends, though, also have lives of their own; so we need to be aware of when we should make allowances for their priorities at the expense of our own. There are times, however, when you may need to draw the line between acceptable and unacceptable friendship behaviors. Following are some questions to consider to help you decide how to cope when a friendship falls flat:
1. Does the current difficulty reflect a trend or a one-time event?
If a friend that is normally supportive just cannot be there for you because of something that has unexpectedly shown up in her own life, cut her some slack. However, if you feel that the relationship is suffering more than a normal dip in its give-and-take, this may indicate a more significant shift in its strength or stability and may warrant a discussion about the change.
2. Have you been there for her when she needed you?
Sometimes, our own immediate needs skew our self-perceptions of the friendship balance. When the give-and-take of support becomes undeniably unbalanced, you may need to reflect on whether your own patterns of “giving” warrants the amount of “taking” that you want to receive.
3. Do you make it easy for others to befriend you?
Some women can be their own worst enemies when it comes to receiving support. Do you minimize the efforts your friends make to help you out? Do you minimize your own needs, so that friends don’t recognize when you actually need their support? Do a self-check and see if you are keeping friends from being there when you need them.
4. Do you have realistic expectations of how emotional support should look between friends?
Sometimes, we may want a friend to be more than a friend; we may want a friend to be our mother, our therapist, and our psychic all rolled up into one. While it may be normal to occasionally want that kind of support, it is not normal to be able to receive it all from a single friend. Even the best of friends can only do so much for their BFFs!
5. Are you asking for more than you honestly deserve in a relationship?
Friends cannot provide an unlimited supply of praise, patience, encouragement, comfort, or reassurance. Just like you, they can hit the “emotional empty” mark. If you know that you are especially “high maintenance” or “needy,” you may need to cut your friends some slack. If you realize that the problem friend is really yourself, take steps to scale back the need for an audience of supporters. You can research some self-help practices for self-soothing and self-care. Meditation, yoga, journaling, and exercise are all excellent ways to gain self-awareness and self-control, in terms of understanding and making sense of the events experienced in your life. Truly learning how to be a good friend to yourself is one of the most enduring and positive developments you can master.
6. Are you better off with her or without her in your life?
If a friend brings other resources to the relationship that outshine her ability to be always there for you when you need emotional support, you may decide to let her slide in this area of friendship support. Be wary, though, of emotional vampires. These are the friends who suck your energy and demand your support but give little or nothing in return. This kind of friend we can all do without. Remember, too, that unhealthy relationships will actually compromise your health and well-being. You have to decide if a friend’s presence in your friendscape is worth the costs of the friendship. If you choose to maintain the relationship, it’s important to admit to yourself that you are intentionally making this choice. This should help you focus on the positive aspects of the relationship and allow the negative aspects to remain in the periphery of your emotional lens.
