3 Tips for Better Rebound Relationships

Rebound romances may get a bad rap, yet the desire to re-engage in a relationship after one has ended is pretty instinctive and often hard to resist. In fact, whether we are exiting a bad romance or a toxic friendship, we often feel a similar motivation to find a quick replacement for the now-missing person in our lives.

Researchers have explored the reasons people may seek new friends, and it turns out that the threat of social exclusion from your current circle will spur you into social action. When you begin to worry about the potential demise of a romantic relationship, you also may soon begin to imagine how life might be without that special person in your life and may already be anticipating the feeling of grief associated with the loss. When we let ourselves begin to imagine that “me, without you” scenario, our minds are likely already becoming primed to fill that void with a replacement “you.”

While humans are genetically programmed to build social and romantic partnerships, our culture thoroughly socializes us to believe that the presence of romantic love and the experience of sexual gratification are essential to overall life satisfaction and happiness. We definitely need to partner up to keep the species going as well as build social connections for the good of ourselves and society. However, we need to tread carefully when we forage for new connections and below are three suggestions for safer relationship rebounding:

1. While instinct may drive us to seek out a rebound relationship, don’t forget to use good judgment and take precautions against making desperate or detrimental choices in your selection. Research suggests that when we are on the rebound, we typically see the “next great thing” as more attractive than we normally would. Make sure you take off the rose-colored glasses before you get in too deep.
2. Recognize that the new person in your life is a different person from your ex and is a separate and unique individual. Do not place expectations on her or him that represent past or failed expectations you had in your former attachment. We all develop relationship patterns, perhaps even without consciously recognizing that we may have done so. Don’t let past patterns ruin a potentially healthy new relationship—change is difficult, but learning new ways of relating may make you a better person, partner, and friend.
3. Keep a careful watch on how fast you dive into the relationship and make sure you proceed with care. Research shows that we are typically willing to make “relationship investments” more heavily and more quickly in order to cement a rebound relationship than at other times in our lives. Make sure that the “investment cement” isn’t dragging you down into the murky depths of a bad relationship.

In closing, have patience with yourself or your friends, if a rebound relationship is on the radar. It’s normal to need to re-validate your potential as a partner or a friend, but remember that every relationship is not meant to last forever and that every new relationship is a new beginning that does not have to yield to the self-same ending. Remind yourself that you are on the rebound, that this new person is not your ex, and that your usual guard is likely down, so move forward with caution—no matter how good it feels in the moment.

Reference

Maner, J. K., DeWall, C. N., Baumeister, R. F., & Schaller, M. (2007). Does social exclusion motivate interpersonal reconnection? Resolving the “porcupine problem.” Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 92,1, 42-55.

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