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It’s that time of year, when our college kids have either graduated and are moving back home or plan to be home for the summer before returning to school in the fall. Many of the same parents who cried when their students moved out are dreading their return. The return home of college kids doesn’t have to mean fighting, anxiety, or family disagreements. Living away at school for students usually means no curfew, eating meals when they want, eating what they want, keeping their room as tidy or as unkempt as they please, talking and listening to music until late into the night, and sleeping and waking to their own schedule. How will these students feel and adapt to family rules when someone else is telling them what they can and can’t do?
Parents, on the other hand, have become used to their child not being home. There is one less mouth to feed, less laundry to do, and one fewer person for whom to stay up waiting. If they are empty nesters they are used to having their house to themselves and doing things on their own terms and schedule. If they still have children at home, they already have pre-established rules with those children. Another person in the home can open the door to potential conflict.
Mutual respect and agreed upon expectations are the key ingredients to maintaining a harmonious household. Following these guidelines will allow for a happy home.
Should you go back to setting curfews and expect to know if your child plans to sleep out?
College students are not used to having their parents set a curfew. Should you start again now that they’re home? If a parent is comfortable not knowing when or even whether or not their young adult will be coming home to sleep, they may decide not to have them check in. But, if the parent won’t be able to sleep or will wait up until they know their son/daughter is safe, then it’s absolutely fine to request to be informed about their whereabouts. Remember, it's about respect for others' needs more than about setting a curfew and control. We as parents tell our children and spouse when to expect us and if we'll be home late. That's what being a courteous family member is about.
What if your child's room becomes a disaster zone? And what about all that laundry?
What should you do about your student’s bedroom? Is it OK for them to keep it a mess? Again, whatever you negotiate is fine as long as the expectations are clearly spelled out. Some parents will say, “Your room is yours to do with as you wish but you must keep the rest of the house clear of your belongings.” If that will be your approach, it might be a good idea to tell your son/daughter that you will not go into their room to clean or collect laundry and when they go back to school they must leave their room as they found it when they came home.
Make sure you let them know what your expectations are about who will do their laundry. Will you do it for them? If so, let them know where to leave their laundry and what day it will be washed. If you expect them to do their own laundry, tell them the condition in which you’d like them to leave the laundry room, or if it’s done outside of the home, who will pay for it.
Is it fair to expect your child at every family dinner and gathering?
Another area of potential conflict is family meals or family outings. Should the student be expected to eat with the family and join them when they go out? Parents will want to remember that their student’s time is in demand. Friends and relatives will want to see them and they will want to and should spend time with their peer group. A good idea would be to sit down with a calendar and let your student know which activities are important to you that they attend. Try to be flexible so they have plenty of time to spend with their friends. If you negotiate dates and expectations up front, it’s easier to avoid conflict.
What's the thinking on drinking and co-ed sleepovers?
Parents have to be comfortable with what goes on in their home, no matter what it is. If you have a no smoking policy you would certainly ask your guests not to smoke. It’s perfectly fine to tell your son/daughter what is and is not acceptable to do in your home. If a parent is fine with alcohol and co-ed sleepovers, they will decide one way. If they are not comfortable with this, they should not permit it. Allowing children to do things that go against parental values will only add to resentment and anger, no matter what their age.
I recommend you discuss all the above as soon as you can after your son/daughter returns home. In this way, you will have time to negotiate, there won’t be any surprises, and resentments will not build.
Enjoy your young adult!
