Managing Shame, Guilt, and Self-Esteem in Negotiations

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Until relatively recently, negotiation experts and academics rarely talked about the role of emotion. Their focus was primarily on tactics, strategies, and skills. Emotion was thought to have no role in negotiations.

Now, however, EQ, or emotional intelligence, is the new buzz term in the industry. Much attention is given to the role of emotion and its effect on the outcomes one achieves, with recogniztion that emotional states can profoundly impact a person's success (or lack thereof) in negotiations.

Confidence is key in negotiations. When a person's self-esteem is under attack (either internally or externally) and/or one buys into feelings of shame or guilt in a negotiation, then the fight, flight, or freeze fear response is triggered, blocking the mental clarity required for best negotiated outcomes.

Some negotiators may bring their own shame or guilt to the table and attempt to project it onto others. Some, however, intentionally seek to induce guilt or shame, or otherwise undercut the self-esteem of their negotiation counterparts, as a tactic to gain advantage.

Women, in particular, have been subject to shaming (from men, other women, and even themselves) when advocating for themselves. Deep conditioning often encourages women to believe they need to be and be seen as selfless nurturers and caregivers. Advocating for themselves can feel taboo. In addition, social conditioning contributes to women feeling "less than" or undeserving—not surprising given that only recently in the long arc of history have women been able to hold property, vote or even be recognized as persons in the eyes of the law in many jurisdictions.

It’s important to do the inner work necessary for accepting one’s value, to practice unconditional self-love, and to give oneself permission to be wholly authentic in seeking to achieve one’s goal.

The issue of authenticity arises in whether to bring masculine or feminine energy to the table. Everyone has both. For too long, though, success has been defined almost exclusively on masculine models, which can lead to deployment of competitive styles that may not be natural or authentic. At the other end of the spectrum, it can trigger anxiety, undermining outcomes or prompting people to back away from negotiations altogether, fearing potential conflict.

Studies show that those experiencing anxiety in negotiations are easy to manipulate and engage in a range of self-sabotaging behaviours, including accepting advice from those known to have a conflict of interest, leaving more on the table, exiting negotiations prematurely, and generally being tentative.

Awareness is always the key starting point for effective change. Recognizing one’s fears and triggers allows one to choose how to react in any given situation, including when the other party engages in shaming, guilting and/or attacks on self-esteem. Such preparation averts the possibility of being pitched into reactive mode and allows one to maintain the clarity needed to stay focused on best outcomes.

It’s never too late to decide to push past one’s conditioning to a more empowered state. The more one pushes outside their comfort zone, the more competence they acquire. Competence increases confidence. Greater confidence stimulates willingness to push even further outside one’s comfort zone, acquiring ever-increasing competencies and, with them, ever-increasing confidence. This is known as the competence-confidence loop. It creates an upward spiral of personal empowerment.

As one trusts their ability to try new things, they continue to grow. As one grows, they move from unconscious incompetence to conscious incompetence, to unconscious competence, to conscious competence. Knowing that this is a natural progression helps people push through the challenging conscious incompetence stage to the conscious competence stage.

Until one achieves competence and the confidence that comes with it, there are a number of strategies for managing (or at least camouflaging) self-doubt in negotiations. One is to create a Brag List, itemizing 25 things one loves about oneself—attributes, qualities, accomplishments, characteristics, commendations, successes.. Every night, just before going to sleep, when the subconscious mind is highly receptive to taking in and processing information, is an ideal time to read over the list and add five new things to brag about.

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All of life is a negotiation. It is important to get intentional about tapping into and capitalizing on one’s most empowered state to get what one wants and deserves. Recognizing where shame, guilt, or self-esteem problems are standing in the way of best outcomes is the first step in redressing the issue.