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Let me start with a warning: If you are female, and if you go to the bathroom, this post may make your hair turn gray, if it isn’t already. I am safely home now, but I am posting what I wrote from an airport, in the hopes that it will make you laugh, cry, and nod in horrified recognition. You probably know, dear Reader, that my posts about travel are usually exuberant and full of joy, because that is the effect travel has on me. But here, below, is something quite different. Like dark matter, and the dark Internet, here is what I wrote about the dark side of travel:
“What was supposed to be a ten-hour trip to have a leisurely overnight in Oslo, Norway after leaving Montreal, Quebec, Canada, and before flying to Longyearbyen, Svalbard, has turned into a thirty-hour ordeal and we are not even there yet. Not even close.
But I thought I would pass the time at yet another airport by telling you what happened on our last transatlantic flight. I went to the bathroom. And then I couldn't get out. No matter how much I turned and pushed the door it wouldn't budge. I tried calling out for help in a calm, gentle voice, but the plane noise was so extreme that no one heard me. I got louder and louder until I sounded like a one-woman heavy metal band shrieking out lyrics. But no one heard. I was a one-woman heavy metal band without an audience. Then I stated pounding on the door. Nada. So I began kicking the door, trying to open it. People began screaming that I was breaking the door. And they were afraid that I was a terrorist. I screamed back that I was stuck. Not ideologically stuck. Physically stuck. I screamed out the spelling of the word stuck. Then an air hostess called in that she needed strong men to break down the door and I should back up to the toilet and get out of the way. I scrunched in a corner, like Little Jack Horner, as six men rammed thru the door. When I finally was liberated I was shaking. Everyone got into a discussion about whether it was my fault. I was mortified. Then a flight attendant said a woman had gotten locked in the same bathroom on the last flight and had kicked the door off its track. She leaned over and whispered to me, “Getting stuck in a bathroom is my worst fear. And it happened to you. We are going to give you dinner!"
In case you think dinner is normal on a transatlantic flight, you must rethink things. On this airline, you get nothing but your seat. A pretty expensive piece of leather or faux leather or molded ant skin or whatever it’s made of. A single checked bag is sixty-five dollars, which is nauseatingly close to what I paid for the bag. No food unless you fork over thirty-five bucks in advance. No reserved seats. Perish the thought. You and your travel partner may be l0 rows apart, and remember that screaming to communicate will probably land you a $50 fine. Luckily the bathroom is included although it is probably extra if you want a door that opens.
So dinner came. It was tiny strips of leathered beef, which my husband Paul and I don't eat, smothered in tomato sauce. It came accompanied by what looked and tasted like a paste made from fresh peat.
Our flight was six hours late but since the connection was on another airline we got no refund from the second airlines and had to buy new tickets. Cute. Adorable. Fortunately I was hoarse from screaming in the bathroom so I didn’t raise my voice again.
We arrived bedraggled in Bergen, where we are now, waiting another four hours for a flight. OK. Norway. Yes! I love everything about Norway. Let's have dinner. The choices at the airport are hot dogs or cold pizza. The latter is also covered by what looks like a combo of bison poop and Drain-o septic system cleaner. Perhaps if the Vikings hadn't converted to Christianity a thousand years ago their food would have been better. Rotten shark shanks sound good right now.
Montreal was so fabulous that this trip to get to Longyearbyen must be penance.”
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Judith Fein is an award-winning international travel writer, author, and speaker. Paul room is an award-winning photojournalist. Their website is: www.GlobalAdventure.us
