How Do You Know If You Can Trust Someone?

Before I became an international travel journalist, I was a screenwriter in Hollywood. At almost every pitch meeting, business lunch, and party, I met interesting, smart people. Most of them spoke engagingly, were curious about ideas, and seemed warm and friendly. They knew how to connect to people and get them to open up. Sometimes, when they asked me personal questions, I told them things that were private, and that I wouldn’t usually share with strangers.

“Even though we just met, we’re not strangers,” one of the executives said to me. “We have a lot in common, and we’re like friends. As a matter of fact, I’d like to invite you to my daughter’s birthday party.”

I left the meeting feeling great. She had made me part of her inner circle. She invited me to lunch at a trendy, expensive restaurant, where she seemed to know at least half the diners. As we ate, we talked about our past relationships, our families of origin growing up, and even some issues we grappled with. She told me she was in therapy and that her therapist gave her homework after each session.

She was my new friend. Or so I thought. My agent was waiting for her to send a contract for a film I was going to write for her, but a week went by and no contract came. At the end of the second week, my agent called and said she had some bad news for me. My new friend had decided to go with another writer whom she had been courting while she was also courting me.

I was stunned. Hurt. Shocked at the betrayal. But I learned something: just because people dress and speak like you do, it doesn’t mean they are actually like you, or share your values. You cannot assume their ethical or moral similarity to you. Fortunately, I had no “trust issue,” and I generally believed that people were basically good, but I became a little more cautious about opening up to strangers.

Later, when I followed my passion for exploring the wide world we live in and became a travel journalist, I started noticing how people from different cultures interact with strangers when they first meet. How did they know if they could trust someone and open up? What made them decide if they would invite someone to their home, or to an event or celebration? There was a visible change, a relaxation, an engagement when the person seemed to feel they could trust their interlocutor whom they didn’t know before.

Although my observations were anecdotal, I was surprised to see that it generally happened pretty quickly when a person decided whether they could trust the stranger they were talking to. And there seemed to be a pattern to the interaction that led people to decide if they wanted to pursue or prolong that interaction. Here is what the interlocuter did that appeared to inspire trust.

First, they actively listened to what the person was saying. They really paid attention and weren’t distracted or concerned about what they were going to say. And they visually interacted with the person speaking by nodding, shrugging, furrowing their brows, smiling, laughing, or in other ways responded to what they were hearing. Second, they made eye contact. They didn’t stare, but they made soft contact with the person’s eyes. The only exception to this that I noticed was when the speaker came from a culture that discouraged direct eye contact as being impolite. When this occurred, the interlocutor seemed to pick up on it and accept it. Third, they asked follow-up questions they were genuinely interested in knowing, and really listened to the answers.

I realized that, in my own life, it only took me a short time to decide if I wanted to pursue more than a quick interaction with the person I was talking to. Sometimes when I had an initial interaction with someone neurodiverse who didn’t make eye contact or others who had difficulty articulating their thoughts or expressing an opinion, it took longer. I am glad I spent the extra time because, even though there wasn’t direct eye contact or they didn’t seem to be listening or they were slow to speak, we later became friends.

I asked Dr. Sanam Hafeez, a New York City based neuropsychologist who is also founder and director of Comprehensive Consultation Psychological Services, P.C., what she thinks are the signs to look for in deciding who can be trusted—not just in first meetings, but in relationships as well. Her list is very insightful:

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They do what they say they’ll do – they follow through on promises, even the small ones.

They’re consistent – their behavior doesn’t drastically change depending on who’s around.

They’re honest, even when it’s uncomfortable – they tell the truth, not just what you want to hear.

They admit when they’re wrong – instead of getting defensive, they take responsibility.

They don’t gossip – they keep private things private and don’t talk behind people’s backs.

They’re not overly secretive – while everyone has some privacy, trustworthy people are generally open.

They don’t try to manipulate – they don’t guilt-trip, lie, or use pressure to get their way.

They handle money or shared responsibilities fairly – they don’t “forget” debts or avoid pulling their weight.

They defend you when you're not around – they speak up for you instead of staying silent or joining in.

They give you space to be yourself – they don’t try to control or change you, and they accept you as you are.

I think her list is also useful in evaluating your own behavior and showing how you can be trustworthy.

In difficult and unstable times, deciding whom you can trust and being trustworthy oneself seem to me to be worth cultivating.