How Compatible Are You Two?
Fill Your Gaps with Awareness, Not Resentment
Posted December 26, 2011
My work with couples over the years has convinced me that any two people can connect on any combination of levels. Let's face it: some people form relationships in which the Mojo works in all areas, while other pairs have it going on in some areas but not others. Some couples share common values, interests and goals, and are also intellectually compatible, emotionally suited to one another in terms of basic temperament, and physically connected with zingy chemistry. On the other hand, other couples have a fantastic intellectual connection that flows easily, but they are physically disconnected and show little affection toward each other. Some have a strong spiritual connection but no sexual chemistry. Still others have great sexual chemistry but few shared values or visions. And for many couples, the whole question of purpose-both individually and as a couple-has gone un- or under- addressed. This doesn't have to be a problem though.
If this is stimulating something inside of you, I suggest asking your partner to sit down and speak consciously about these gaps instead of ignoring them. The goal is not to force connection where there isn't one, but to bridge the areas where a gap exists and fill it with awareness rather than resentment. What if we could tell the truth instead of hurting each other? One of the many pitfalls I've watched couples fall into is a tendency to propagate negative stories about their partner, such as: "he doesn't meet me on an intellectual level," or, "she isn't as affectionate as I am." We then react with a "fight or flight" response and either attack, blame, or pull away. This leads to an escalation of problems instead of resolution. Partners in an honest relationship come to appreciate differences rather resist them or refuse to accept the other for who they are.
If you are game, do the exercise below and have a conversation with your partner about each aspect of your lives together, one at a time, and share what you notice in your body/mind as you share. Here's the exercise. Tell each other what you feel about your present connection in the following areas and see if some intimacy arises from that: Intellectually, Emotionally, Spiritually, Physically, Socially and Financially. For instance, when you share about your intellectual connection you might say, "I notice that my chest feels tight and that I feel sad that we never have stimulating intellectual conversations anymore." Or in the spiritual arena you might say, "I notice I am afraid that we don't have any spirituality in our life like we did when we first dated." Or around sexuality, "I notice my heart aches, as for some reason I feel shut down sexually around you now." Truth is still the best ingredient for getting the Mojo back into your relationships and enjoying the areas where you are compatible. Enjoy!