Would You Rather Be Right Than Happy?

During this time when we are quarantined because of the pandemic, we are seeing less of friends, colleagues, and relatives. But for those of us who live with partners and/or children, we are seeing more of each other than we have in years—maybe ever. We are together 24/7. This means there is greater opportunity for intimacy as well as annoyance and hurt feelings. Inevitably, in such close quarters, each of us is going to act selfishly or thoughtlessly at times. The question is: Will these small blips turn into skirmishes or full-fledged battles?

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Some people are lucky and grow up with parents who are models for apologizing appropriately. But for the rest of us, we have to learn it. We may be able to develop it with our friends or spouses. But often our spouses or friends are not any better equipped for taking responsibility than we are—maybe even less so. How can we foster an atmosphere in which sustaining the connection between us takes precedence over the pleasure of being "right"?

Tips for Preventing and Containing Fights:

1. Have a discussion with your partner and/or children, during a happy or peaceful interlude about how difficult it is to live in such close proximity. What are the most annoying things each of you does? Try to keep a sense of humor about it. Laughing really helps.
2. If you have young children at home, giving gold stars for apologizing properly—not just saying "sorry"—can foster the idea that we all make mistakes and we all need to take responsibility for them.
3. Establishing a family meeting time every couple of days can create a safe time for everyone to say anything that is bothering them as long as they say it without yelling or accusing anyone. The rule of thumb might be: "I get upset when you ..."
4. Stay mindful about the things that you do that are annoying or painful to the other/s by putting up notes for yourself or wearing a rubber band.
5. When you feel annoyed, frustrated, or angry at the other/s, ask yourself whether the issue is worth having a fight about. Can you tolerate it for the sake of keeping the peace during this difficult time?
6. When you have done something annoying, inconsiderate or hurtful, own up to it. Be a role model by admitting your mistakes and apologizing for them.
7. When someone apologizes fully for hurting or upsetting you, reinforce it by expressing appreciation: "Thank you, that makes me feel better," or "I appreciate that."

In conclusion, the coronavirus pandemic is forcing us to keep close quarters with our partners and/or children. This is a double-edged sword. It may increase intimacy and renew our appreciation of one another, but it may also reignite old habits that are frustrating, annoying, and hurtful to our loved ones. Many people are struggling with each other at the same time they are struggling with the stress of the coronavirus. However, there are some simple things that we can all do to get along better with each other during this traumatic period.