Adults Who Lie

Pointing out the falsehoods that are stated by President Trump has become a national pastime for a large portion of the American media. Hence, it is timely to think about adults who lie.

Children usually begin to tell lies in their preschool years between the ages of 2 and 4. Children are imaginative and often fabricate stories as part of playing. But they also lie as a tool to preserve their self-esteem among those who matter to them — parents, teachers, etc. Children also lie to avoid punishment. Lying is a normal part of child development, but when it is treated harshly, the impulse to lie is reinforced and can continue into adulthood. ¹

Source: jametlene-reskp/unsplash

The story of Pinocchio captures this dynamic perfectly. Pinocchio wants to be a real boy, but a fairy puts a limit on his request. If he lies, his nose will grow. In other words, his nose will betray his infidelity to his true self. The child, Pinocchio, in this situation is caught in a stress bind: telling the truth is a huge stressor, but so too is lying. A still immature mind finds itself in a predicament in which lying may seem the only way out.²

When you ask a 5 year-old if she took her brother's toy, she may lie and say, "No, and he took my book." That is normal, age-appropriate behavior. An 11-year-old is more adept at creating lies and more sensitive to the repercussions of their actions. They may lie about doing their homework, but also feel guilty. However, when lying is required because of a chronically stressful family situation such as alcoholism and/or abuse, the impulse to lie is reinforced and can continue into adulthood. If the impulse to lie is pronounced, it can result in the development of a "false self." In its most pathological form, the false self is set up as real and everyone thinks that it is the real self. In friendships and work relationships, observers think the false self is the real person.

Persistent lying becomes a maladaptive coping strategy because covering up a lie is a significant stressor. (That is the key to lie detectors: They are designed to pick up on a surge in the subject’s sympathetic nervous system regardless of what he’s saying or showing on his face.) Since lying is itself stressful, unless the person is a sociopath and does not experience guilt, it creates a downward spiral of lying, covering up, guilt, anxiety, more lying.

While it is not a problem for adults to lie in order to be polite (e.g. in response to questions like, "Do you think I look fat?"), it can be a problem for them if lying is a regular response to stress. It can erode the trust necessary as a foundation for relationships with family, friends, and colleagues. Perhaps even more important, persistent lying can create a constant sense of anxiety and prevent the development of a healthy sense of self.