"Just Say No" was Nancy Reagan's famous solution to the epidemic of drug use in our country. She suggested it in a speech to the nation in September, 1986. The "just" in "Just Say No" implies that it's easy. But it's not—it didn't work.
Saying "no" isn't easy for people being offered drugs or young women being pushed to have sex when they don't want it. Saying "no" can be hard for people of all ages and circumstances. Why is it so hard to say "no"?
I think it's hard because the people you say it to will have feelings about it. If you say "no" to your date who wants to have intercourse, he probably won't like it. He may try to cajole you, "Why not, what's wrong with you?" He may not ask you out again. If you say no to your children, they may say, "Why not, everyone else gets to do that?" If you say no to your husband, he may be angry at you. If you say no to a friend, she may not call you for a while. Saying "no" has consequences! That's the rub!
My patient, Joe, is working on setting limits. Joe is a contractor and a nice guy, eager to help people--but they take advantage of his good nature. His clients call him on weekends and ask him to fix their toilet or stop the drip in their sink. In the past, he has put aside whatever he was doing with his family and helped the customer. But now, because we have been working on setting limits, he has told them that there will be a surcharge for weekend calls. One of his customers said he will not pay a surcharge. WHY SHOULD I PAY EXTRA FOR SOMETHING I'VE BEEN GETTING FREE? Joe has to accept that he may lose the customer. Saying "no" has consequences. Joe told his client that he can avoid paying the surcharge by waiting until Monday. It's up to him. Joe had to weigh the emotional cost of feeling angry about ruining his weekend to the actual cost of making his customer angry and possibly losing him. He decided it was more important for him not to get angry than it was for his customer not to get angry. Once he could accept the trade-off, he was able to say "no."
Bob has a problem saying "no" when he is asked to contribute to his friends' favorite charities. Bob has his own favorite charity and wants to support that. He doesn't ask his friends to contribute to it because he knows they have their own favorites. But his friends continue to send handwritten notes asking him to contribute to their charities. Bob doesn't want to say "no" because his friends might be annoyed at him. So he either does something he does not want to OR he tolerates the fact that his friends might be annoyed. After much consternation, Bob decided that it was more important for him not be angry, than to worry about the possibility that his friends might get annoyed at him.
Learning to say "no" involves accepting the reality that the other person may not like it. It might change their feelings about you. So if you want to stop doing something that hurts you or makes you angry, you have to accept that there may be a price—and that's okay.
